IF all goes according to the plans hatched at CBS, by tomorrow morning their names will be floating in the air around water coolers in offices across America – Amber, Kimmi, Kel, Mitch, Colby, Debb.
They and 10 other soon-to-be stars are on the new “Survivor: The Australian Outback ” – the sequel to last summer’s groundbreaking, runaway ratings grabber – which starts its run today after the Super Bowl.
But this season’s group of hapless castaways facing the $1 million endurance challenge bears about as much resemblance to the real people of the original as the cast of “Friends” resembles the real occupants of an East Village squat.
There are more capped teeth, steel buns, rippling abdominal six-packs, and pert and perky body parts than at an open casting call for “Beach Blanket Bingo – The Remake.”
But this group doesn’t just come with Ford-model good looks.
Media savvy? Many of them already have burgeoning media careers, agents, movie roles, Web sites – one is even a refugee from his own TV show.
The first people to cast a sternly critical eye over the bronzed newcomers are two of the original survivors of Pulau Tiga.
Dr. Sean Kenniff and Rudy Boesch, who both became cult figures during “Survivor I,” told The Post that the new crew – especially the women – would look more at home in Bel Air than in the Outback of God’s Own Country.
“They are more fit, and a lot better looking,” Sean told The Post. “And not to say anything bad about Tagi, my own tribe, you know, but I wish some of these women had been on my beach!
“They are just great looking! Great looking! I could have had a great time with a couple of them, believe me.”
Sean is talking, or rather hyperventilating, about Alicia Calaway, Elisabeth Filarski, Jerri Manthey, Amber Brkich and Kimmi Kappenberg, the scantily clad babes of the Outback. They are the ones Playboy will inevitably tempt to its pages before April’s final tribal council.
They are character clones of Colleen, Stacey, Jenna and Ramona – but they look like they were cast by the folks at Aaron Spelling Productions.
Kimmi, from Ronkonkoma, L.I., is a production assistant on TV commercials. She has four cats and two dogs and says three of her favorite things to do are to lie on the beach, eat seafood and have sex. But not necessarily in that order.
She spends a good deal of her time trying persuade her fellow castaways to get naked.
Alicia Calaway is a Manhattan personal trainer and aerobics instructor who also reportedly gets naked during the series. Talk about buff! She’s a Fashion Institute of Technology graduate and an award-winning natural bodybuilder. You can already guess the endorsements.
Amber is a fresh-faced 22-year-old from Beaver, Pa., with a degree in public relations. Look for her publishing deal, because she’s arranged to keep a candid journal between immunity challenges.
Jerri Manthey, alias Jerry Lynn London, is a buff, 30-year-old Hollywood actress, writer and director who played Vincent D’Onofrio’s wife on Showtime’s “That Championship Season.” She’s also has the smallest bikini top in the tribal council.
And Elisabeth Filarski is a 23-year-old footwear designer from Boston who is the main squeeze of Boston College quarterback Tim Hasselbeck. She has already put in plenty of rain-forest time – as a volunteer teacher in the jungles of Belize.
“They are entirely too good looking,” said neurologist Sean, now an on-air reporter with the perennially troubled tabloid TV show “Extra.”
“The women look like models and actresses. They are too contrived. They are not real people anymore.
“Mark Burnett, the creator of the show, is P.T. Barnum. A showman. The reason ‘Survivor I’ was so successful was he cast the show as if it was a movie. He had specific personalities he was trying to cast, and he gave everybody personality tests to make sure he had the characters he wanted.
“He did it very well, judging by the success of the show and the success several of us have had since appearing on the show.
“It looks like they used the same blueprint. They have obviously tried to recreate the same characters and personalities they had the first time around – which made that show a success – but younger and prettier.
“They’ve gone too far. It’s as if there was a Richard Hatch template and a Rudy template and so on.”
Even the crusty Rudy Boesch character is younger and prettier. And female.
Long-Island born “Mad Dog” Maralyn Hershey is a 51-year-old veteran of the Washington, D.C., metropolitan police. She didn’t get that moniker answering phones – she was one of the first women assigned to street patrol in our nation’s capital.
Two years ago, Hershey fractured two ribs and her pelvis in falls from her horse. She got back in the saddle again and continues to compete in equestrian events. Besides the horse, her pets are a Walker hound, two goats and a donkey.
“Maralyn is Rudy, but with an extra X chromosome, or maybe she’s abrasive Susan Hawk with a Y chromosome. She’s tough,” Sean said.
There are also shades of Susan in Debb Eaton. Susan was a cement-truck driver who acted like she kick-started earth movers for fun. Debb is a corrections officer in a New Hampshire men’s prison who wears an ominous tattoo on her upper arm.
When her police officer husband was killed in the line of duty, she became engaged to marry his son – her stepson. Now that’s surviving.
“Debb – she has been cast as a composite of Susan and Kelly,” said Sean, who also noted that the men are also spectacular versions of the original bunch.
“They are all superfit and look like Calvin Klein models. There are men 10 years my senior who look extraordinarily fit – much fitter than I was.”
Outback’s major hunks are:
Jeff Varner, a 34-year-old former cheerleader from Port Washington, L.I., who works as a Web-page designer for a company whose clients include A&E and Martha Stewart.
Nick Brown, a 23-year-old former model who is now a U.S. Army officer and law student who plans a career in the Judge Advocate General’s office.
Colby Donaldson, a 26-year-old custom car designer and long-distance runner who can complete 10K in 51 minutes.
And Kel Gleason, a 33-year-old part Quechuan Indian with U.S. Army intelligence.
THE drop-dead looks of 10 out of the 16 doesn’t impress Rudy, who hosts his own “Survival Guide Week” on the History Channel this week and will see his own action figure go on sale next month.
“I’ve seen their pictures. But remember, these pictures we’ve all seen were taken before they went or as the taping was just getting started,” he said.
“Based on what I know they’ll be going through, I don’t think they’ll look that good when they get finished. They’ll be skinnier, and I think some of them are going to look a lot older.
“But to win you don’t just have to be athletic. You have to have brains. That’s why I stuck with Richard Hatch. He had brains.
“They’ve sure gone after younger and prettier people this time. The oldest one is Rodger Bingham, who’s 53, and I got 20 years on him. He’ll probably look a lot closer to my age when he’s through, though.”
The remaining castaways are:
Keith Famie, a 40-year-old internationally respected chef and restaurateur who has his own television show, “Famie’s Adventures in Cooking.”
Mitchell Olson, a 23-year-old aspiring songwriter who works as an office temp.
And Michael Skupin, the 38-year-old president of a Michigan software company.
Michael is the one who appears closest in character to Richard Hatch, the ultimate winner of “Survivor I.”
“Michael has little bit of Richard Hatch in him, but of course he has a much better, flatter belly,” Sean said.
Even so, he doesn’t think Michael will win.
Sean’s choice is Nick Brown, who has taken time out of the paper chase at Harvard Law School to compete. Like any aspiring lawyer, he knows instinctively how to swim with sharks.
But a simple rule change may have more impact on the competition’s outcome than any of the big production changes.
“At the end of taping for ‘Survivor I,’ the creator, Mark Burnett, asked us what we would do to make the next series better,” Sean said.
“One of the things I told them was to ban alliances. And this time they’ve done that. The rules say it’s illegal to collude on a vote.
“That’s going to add a new dimension to the series.”
Rudy agrees.
“Without challenges, there’s going to be a lot of throat cutting. That’s when we’ll find out who’s pretty.”