PINOCCHIO [Zero stars]
Strung out. In Italian, with English subtitles. Running time: 110 minutes. Rated G. At the Angelika, Houston and Mercer streets.
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NOSES at Miramax have grown longer this season.
Back on Dec. 25, the studio opened the dubbed-into-English version of Roberto Benigni’s Italian-language “Pinocchio” without first showing it to critics.
Unable to review the movie, The Post ran a Variety review of the Italian-language edition, noting that this was not the movie showing in New York.
The folks at Miramax went bonkers.
“You reviewed a movie that will never open in this country!” one publicist bellowed over the phone to a Post editor.
Well, we have news for you: The version Miramax said would never play in the United States opens today on one screen each in New York and Los Angeles, two cities that the last time we checked were still part of this country.
I have not seen the dubbed edition, so I cannot compare the two – but the Italian version is a disaster that cements Benigni’s ranking as the most annoying actor on or off the screen.
“Pinocchio” is loud, crass and full of slapstick humor that the Three Stooges would be ashamed of. And it is almost completely lacking in charm and nuance.
Benigni’s antics made me feel as if I were being endlessly bonked on the head by a large polo mallet.
Besides, the middle-aged Benigni – who directed and has the lead role – looks positively ridiculous running around in a clown’s outfit, pretending to be a child.
And his voice! He is probably the only actor who can make Italian, the most beautiful language in the world, sound crude.
The only redemption is Nicoletta Braschi, Benigni’s wife, as the Blue Fairy. She’s elegant and beautiful and – unlike her husband – she doesn’t make a fool out of herself.
But even she doesn’t make “Pinocchio” worth your hard-earned cash.