FOREIGN AFFAIRS
SHE SAID
Joe’s a good boyfriend.
He remembers my birthday, buys the occasional rose and puts up with a lot. But when he wanted to take a cruise, I had serious doubts about our relationship. We were dying to see Europe, but neither of us had ever set foot on a cruise ship, and I’d been planning to keep it that way.
Instead, I caved in to 13 nights on Celebrity Cruise’s massive Constellation.
I had no quibbles with the ports of call: 10 stops between the white cliffs of Dover, England and Barcelona, Spain. What made my stomach churn was the being on a floating Las Vegas, not to mention the possibility that I’d been dating one of “those people” – a cruiser.
Scarily, the Constellation turned out to be a 12-story home to 2,000 passengers. And my heart sunk when I saw Joe’s awestruck look.
But our stateroom was a nice surprise. It was bright, airy and had a balcony. Analiza, the stateroom attendant, gave us the daily newsletter, and while skimming the day’s options, we flipped through the onboard TV and hit the jackpot: a supremely entertaining shopping channel starring flamboyant Dario.
In general, I’d expected to love port days. But I didn’t anticipate a crowd of people disembarking in a beautiful city and promptly boarding buses to “experience” it.
Eventually, Joe and I ditched the tours, which cost extra. I took pride in convincing him to take a short train ride in France so we could see Nice, as well as go off on our own to order lunch in Spain.
As for on-board meals, I found dinners to be long and too dressy. But after dinner, we went to several fun bars.
The best scene was in Reflections, the nightclub at the front of the boat. It was there that we sat one morning, the sun coming up, drinking margaritas and watching the scenery as we sailed through the Strait of Gilbraltar.
But my favorite moments Came on days in port. I loved watching the local pilot navigate us out of the harbor and then jump from the Constellation into a motorboat, disappearing from sight. Does that make me a cruiser? Maybe just a little bit.
HE SAID
The only thing better than spending your vacation on the couch is spending it on one that floats.
The Constellation had everything a man could ask for: food, movies, a cigar bar, a nightclub, people serving you hand and foot. Have I already mentioned the food? Most importantly, it had Emily. Even if she was unsure about the whole thing.
The first day we discovered the basketball court and jogging track. I also discovered that a can of soda cost $2.
But no matter. We were together, in Europe. Nothing could ruin it, except maybe Emily’s constant complaining.
Brugge, Belgium, was the first stop, and we signed up for a village tour. My girlfriend, however, pouted until I walked around for four extra hours.
After that came Le Havre, France, where everyone else went to Paris and we spent the day exploring a local ghetto. Next stop was Vigo, Spain, where Emily insisted we experience the real Vigo. I’m still not sure what that is, but we wound up at a bad diner where we ordered eggs, lettuce and hot dogs.
Somewhere between Portugal and Palma de Majorca, I came down with bronchitis. But after my nightly Caesar salad and steak, I still was up for drinks in the nightclub alongside teenagers and a convention of gay guys who kept the dance floor packed.
Cabin service was excellent thanks to our attendant, Analiza. There is no other person in this world other than my mother whom I would let make my bed (and my mom doesn’t leave chocolates on the pillow).
The waiters were also impressive. I was too sick, however, to go to dinner the night of the waiters’ parade. Emily told me the lights were lowered, the band played “When the Saints Go Marching In” and everyone ate Baked Alaska.
I was disappointed to have missed it, even with Dario on the shopping channel keeping me company.
The lowdown
Celebrity Cruises offers European tours in both the Mediterranean and northern Europe (14-18 nights). For more information, visit celebritycruises.com.