GIVEN that she has been made only more famous despite starring in a sex tape, getting arrested for DUI, publicly embroiling herself in the Brandon DavisLindsay Lohan “firecrotch!” controversy, allegedly using a racial epithet, having a lousy reality show on E!, releasing a mediocre record, starring in a lousy horror remake, continuing to wear matching Juicy Couture tracksuits and having a passing acquaintance with the English language – well, it’s understandable that quite a bit of schadenfreude was unleashed when Paris Hilton was punched in the face two nights ago.
(For those who need to know more: Shanna Moakler, former Mss USA and estranged wife of rock star Travis Barker, who has been “dating” Hilton, threw the punch at a nightclub.) Celebrity chat rooms on the Internet – the only place where such relief can be shared and appreciated, and where Hilton is known as “Parasite” – have been swamped with a raft of anti-Paris sentiment not seen since the days of Napoleon.
“Paris deserves much more than a hit – maybe torture and mutilation,” wrote one poster on the celebrity-skewering site dlisted.com.
“Paris is worse than the trash on my curb,” wrote another anti-fan on celeb site TMZ.
And to the poster who said, “While I like that Paris was punched, if everyone would stop doing stories, this ‘parasite’ press whore would maybe go away, FINALLY” – we are sorry. Because this latest incident has only made one thing painfully clear: Paris Hilton will not be going anywhere, at least for quite a while.
Which, of course, leads to the inevitable question:
But, like, why?
“If you’re young and you strive for glamour and celebrity – many aspire, few achieve,” says psychologist Judith Sills.
“Apparently, being a tremendously gifted artist was not one of her talents.
But she has the talent for generating the publicity to get herself on TV. I’m a fan.
I admire someone who can make things happen for herself, and she is that.” And yet: What Paris makes happen for herself isn’t much at all. “The only thing advancing her narrative is that we keep paying attention to it,” says Robert Thompson, professor of TV and pop culture at Syracuse University. He points to ’50s pop-culture curio Zsa Zsa Gabor as Hilton’s precursor in the art and maintenance of being “famous for nothing.” But Hilton, he believes, has refined the original template, and should be given due credit.
“The ‘Paris Hilton Show’ is the gossip, the tabloids, the entertainment,” he says. “She’s the first one who did it as an original.
But it’s probably got a pretty short shelf life. The character she’s playing” – and Thompson believes it is a character, though he’s skeptical of her actual intelligence level – “depends on being young, pretty in a central-casting way, and emotionally stunted.” The psychological and emotional retardation, in fact, is what is so compelling to Trent Vanegas, the mastermind behind the popular celebrity-driven site Pink is the New Blog. “It’s like high school on a megalevel,” he says. “The whole thing where she and Brandon Davis are fighting with Lindsay Lohan and calling her names and ‘Istoleyour-boyfriend’ – I can’t stop watching!
Because, seriously: you’re an adult, and you’re doing this? It’s very stunted.
“I would never say she’s the brains behind all of it,” Vanegas adds. “She works with the right people. She works with [publicist] Elliot Mintz, who can spin anything.” But on to the real question: When will it end?
When will the general public get tired of the latest Starbucks run, or drunken car crash, or nightclub brawl? And why is this even happening in the first place?
“Even though I think she is symptomatic of a confused culture, I don’t think she’s a sign of the end of civilization,” Thompson says. “She plays the role of the clown, of the court jester. In a world where Amish kids are getting shot in school and we’re at war – and we don’t know how it’ll end – she’s taken the place of ‘The Three Stooges.’ We need a jester.” “But,” he adds hopefully, “will we get tired of her?
The day is coming.”
THE SCHADENFREUDE LIFE
Top 10 reasons to feel pretty damn good you’re not Paris Hilton
1. Paris gets into club catfight with former Playmate Shanna Moakler; gets socked in the jaw. (10/06)
2. Her pop star career has gone over like a lead balloon; her album, “Paris” sold a dismal 75,000 copies in its first week. (8/06)
3. At size 11, her feet are bigger than her mouth.
4. Ian Schrager announced that “Paris Hilton and her ilk are not welcome” at his Gramercy Park Hotel. (9/06)
5. She is, in her own words, “like, not that smart.” (9/06)
6. She gets pulled over on charges of DUI and arrives at the Hollywood police station in decidedly unstylish handcuffs. (9/06)
7. She makes the Guinness Book of World Records . . . for being “the most overrated celeb.” (8/06)
8. She lands in the emergency room after her kinkajou takes a chomp out of her arm. Paris: 0 – Monkey: 10. (8/06) 9. She earns an “Ugly Award” from the Advertising Women of New York for her raunchy Carl’s Jr. TV spot. (4/06) 10. In nationwide perfume sales, Britney Spears’ trailer-riffic fragrance “Curious” beats Paris’ eponymous scent. (1/06)
– Mackenzie Dawson