ARE you interested in participating in erotic sex? What about learning “7 Boundary-Pushing Moves All Men Secretly Crave”?
No, you don’t need to adjust the spam filter on your e-mail – it’s just the August issue of Cosmopolitan. Look inside, and bask in a proud tradition of steering women completely wrong on sex.
On page 128, the magazine advises taking a shoelace (it must be clean, they specify), wrapping it around the base of his manhood, and pulling the lace tighter during oral sex.
Uh, sure.
While that may sound strange, it’s only one of the tropes Cosmo trots out every month with only slight variations. If it isn’t shoelaces, it’s doughnuts. Lingerie is always a “sexy surprise.” And it’s always prescribing ambushing and pouncing – the Cosmo readership, it appears, is comprised mostly of jungle cats.
But do any of these “boundary-pushing moves” ever work? We collected some of the more common Cosmo tips and ran them by a group of New York men. Their general response: Mind blowing. Not the sex, mind you. The ideas.
“Cup his hand against your mouth, and flick your tongue quickly in and out of the center of his palm.”
* What’s that, Helen Keller? There’s a fire in the barn and Billy is trapped? – Soren, 37, comedian
* Really? Is that necessary? What if I just changed the oil in my car? – Chuck, 43, bar owner
* With all the nerves in my fingertips, you’re going to wander over to the calloused part of my hand? Wait, I just tried it. It actually feels terrific. Please don’t tell 725,000 people that I just practiced making out with my hand. – Brendan, 26, vice president, construction company
“Seductively lick a dab of food off your lips or finger. He’ll imagine what that tongue would feel like on him.”
* Does this mean the inexpensive Dallas BBQ first date would not be a deal breaker? – Soren
* It depends what you’re licking off your finger here. Whipped cream? Mad hot. E-Z cheese? Maybe not so much. Here’s a hot tip: He probably imagined what your tongue feels like before you even locked eyes. – Brendan
This could work. Then again, it could look like a cheesy porn flick from the 1970s. – Chuck
* This is kind of hot, though it all depends on what kind of food is being licked. Pudding, cake batter? Hells, yes. Metamucil? Hells, no. – Markus, 33, writer
“Make a silly bet to be paid off in sexual favors, or play a board game naked in bed and agree that the loser has to grant the winner one lusty request.”
* Everybody wins in a sexual bet, but playing naked board games is like donning a tuxedo to watch New Year’s Eve on TV. Board games don’t quicken the pulse, and whatever competitive thrill they impart is canceled out by the fact that it takes 17 hours to complete a game of Monopoly. Meanwhile, you’ve been beaten into fiscal ruin by a naked hotel baron. – Brendan
* Great! You sank my battleship . . . and you’re a slut! Don’t talk to me. And my lusty request is that next time in Monopoly, I get to be the race car. – Soren
* I’m not sure I know anyone who’s patient enough to complete an entire six-hour game of Scrabble while a naked girl is a few feet away, but OK. Consider this a lesson in delayed gratification. – Markus
* Board game? If we’re naked in bed and she’s thinking about sex, do we really need Chutes and Ladders to figure out what to do next? – Chuck
“Chill a bunch of marbles in the fridge. Toss them on the bed and make him lie on them while you straddle him.”
* Or, here’s an idea: Just toss me on the bed and straddle me. – Chuck
* Bitter cold is not conducive to sex. Neither are marbles jammed in the small of your back. Why not just bang in a walk-in freezer while someone named Rabbit punches you in the kidneys? – Markus
* Wait a minute – we’ve sunk to this, and yet you dismissed a Craigslist threesome so quickly? – Soren
* I have no idea what effect this trick is supposed to have, but I know I’m going to spend the rest of my life asking beautiful women to do it to me. – Brendan
“Pre-oral action, pop a mint. You’ll both get chills, because menthol triggers the body’s cold receptors.”
* Or get a painful burning sensation that requires immediate medical attention. – Chuck
* You’re handing out sexual favors and putting in extra effort, so I can’t help but approve. And hey: Fresh breath! – Brendan
* Um, no. What I read actually happens is that certain oils in the mint irritate the sensitive skin down there, and that’s why you get that “pleasant” burning sensation. On the plus side: Fresh breath! – Markus
* That depends. Would you also be willing to dress in white like the British chick in the Orbit gum commercials? Just wondering. – Soren
“Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off.”
* I love doughnuts and I love oral attention – just not together. The image of her biting and chewing in that region makes me wince. Plus, how good could it be for her? – Chuck
* Great, if you’re f – – – ing Homer Simpson! – Markus
* After a stunned silence, I came to the conclusion that Cosmo is testing your obedience so they can take over the world. Now, they have actually come up with an idea too degenerate for pornography. Not even Sarah Silverman could pull off the necessary comedy and hotness to make this work. In fact, this idea is so unarousing, I’m pretty sure the doughnut would slip off long before you took a second bite. Gentlemen are strongly advised not to try the “Munchkin” counterpart to this move. – Brendan
* If that’s what it takes to enjoy Krispy Kreme guilt-free, then I just feel used. – Soren
“Take an old strand of fake pearls and other beads and, holding each end, pull it back and forth around the shaft of his manhood.”
* Ah, yes. In Bangkok, that’s called the “Barbara Bush” and it costs 50 baht. This makes me think of those old Polident commercials, with the pearls stained with blueberries and haggard old Martha Ray yelling “Wait, I didn’t say ‘Stop’!” – Soren
* Er, I’m sure that feels fine, but you could arouse us a lot more by simply wearing the pearls. If your man finds this arousing, he probably owns a candelabra, is named Dirk Loxley, and is actually an imaginary boyfriend ripped from a Harlequin novel. – Brendan
* Girls like to play dress-up, not guys. There are only three things to properly accessorize a [man’s organ] with -four if you’re adventurous – and none of them are sold by Mikimoto. – Markus
“Take a sip of hot water – as hot as you can stand – before [performing oral sex] on him. Then, keeping your mouth closed, swish it all around.”
* Why not make a nice cup of tea in there while you’re at it? Then you can both watch “Matlock” together and die. – Markus
* Even if this doesn’t feel as amazing as it sounds, you have to applaud the dedication. Big thumbs up to you, lady with the scalded tongue. – Brendan
“Make ice from seltzer, then rub him down with the cubes. The carbonation leaves slushy pockets in the ice, so one minute he’ll feel a solid touch from the cube; then next, a snowy clump melting on his skin.”
* Then, if that doesn’t make him reveal any intel on the insurgency, point at his genitals, take pictures and return him to his cell. – Soren
* Slush feels terrific down the back of your neck during a snowstorm, so there’s no way this trick could possibly irritate your man . . . EXCEPT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. – Brendan
“When fondling his manhood, slip a hair scrunchy around the base of it. The tight scrunchy combined with your touch creates an amazing sensation.”
* Now this one I’d try. No scalding water, no ice cube, mints, or doughnuts – just a soft piece of fabric with a firm grip. – Chuck
* Would that seriously work? Aren’t those things relatively low pressure? I guess I should date girls with tighter scrunchies. Er . . . that’s not a euphemism. – Brendan
* Then, he can put his vibrating [manhood] in your pony tail. But yes, sounds like decent advice. – Markus
* This holds no interest for me whatsoever. Any woman who is as uninterested in this as I am, should definitely e-mail me to discuss how neither of us wants to try it. Wednesday evenings are a particularly good night to not experiment with this. – Soren