IF you’ve never been the same since “Dynasty” died and “Dallas” self-destructed (and even if you weren’t yet born when those over-the-top nighttime soaps were in their prime, er, time), have I got a second season show for you!
I’m talking about “Dirty Sexy Money,” which nearly put me in a coma last season, but which has come roaring back. It is so over the top – in such a fantastically bad-taste way – and so out-there crazy, that tonight’s episode (at least) is every bit as good as those old soaps.
All that’s missing are the shoulder pads and giant feathered hair.
The new season opens with a birthday party for lawyer Nick (Peter Krause), thrown by Tripp Darling (Donald Sutherland) aboard a yacht that’s as big as the Chrysler Building.
Everyone is there – with a few obvious MIAs – but as the story unfolds, we find out why. I’ll tell you this much: someone dies and someone is arrested for murder.
Like last season, every member of the Darling family is still a full-blown degenerate or drunk or married to one. Money can’t buy you love, but it sure can get you top-shelf booze.
Patrick (William Baldwin) is still in turmoil because his Senate campaign is hinging on his drunken wife’s behavior (he should have put her on “Celebrity Rehab“) and on finding the tranny hooker Carmelita (Candis Cayne) with whom he once liased.
Sister Karen (Natalie Zea), who left us hanging from a cliff last season mid-sex scheme to undo billionaire Darling rival Simon Elder (Blair Underwood), is still screwing around with him in a subplot with as many twists as trysts.
Then there’s baby bro’ Jeremy (Seth Gabel), who is still obsessed with Lisa George (Zoe McLellan), and is now a full-out, drunken stalker.
You’ll be happy to know that Lucy Liu, who was in the disastrous “Cashmere Mafia” last season, has landed on her back and joins the cast as an evil attorney, Nola Lyons, who shows up in a bar (twice) in evening gowns to seduce Jeremy.
Even the campy dialogue has gotten better – or maybe worse – with lines like: “What did I ever do to you?” Answer: “Well, you shot me in the leg.”
And in the for-better-or-worse category, there’s this gem: “I’m going to take a shower and wipe the rest of this marriage off my body!”
It doesn’t get any better -or worse – than that!
“Dirty Sexy Money”
Tonight at 10:01 on ABC