This week, on “Gossip Girl”: Lil’ J grows a pair (actually, two pairs), Chuck needs new pants, Nate moves in and no one wants to go to the movies.
Blair is dreaming of limo escapades with Chuck when Dorota the maid barges in to remind her that she’s late, thereby interrupting her, um, naughtiness. Dorota reminds her that “God is always watching,” and if that’s true, then I think Blair was in trouble long before this particular morning.
Over at Casa de Humps, Jenny runs into orphan Nate as he exits the bathroom after the shower and he gives her a huge grin. I assume he has a towel on below the waist, although we’re in DUMBO, so maybe he’s trying out the whole Brooklyn-progressive vibe and going au naturale. Jenny decides she can wait to pee at work. It’s awkward.
Chuck pulls up in his limo alongside Blair as she strolls down the sidewalk in the rain and invites her to get in for a ride, provided she says the “three magic words.” “I hate you,” responds Blair. Then Chuck’s limo magically disappears.
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Over at Eleanor Waldorf’s House of Crap Designs, Jenny is fitting a model named Agnes into one of Eleanor’s horrid jumpsuits. After Eleanor shuts Jenny out of her meeting with the rep from Bloomingdales, Nate in his too-tight-yet-just-right oxford shirt drops off her folder and gives her the eyes. Agnes tells Jenny that he is clearly hot for her, which Jenny denies. Serena and Dan continue their awkward dance of break-up behavior in the courtyard at school. Apparently Serena takes AP Economics, which is amusing in and of itself. Blair arrives and says she needs help destroying Chuck, and Serena insists that Dan help her out, since you know, even though Dan is (a) boring, (b) not funny, and (c) boring, he is also (d) male and thereby should have some insight into Chuck’s behavior. He basically tells her to make herself available and alluring.
As we cut back to Eleanor’s Design Dumpster, there’s a screenshot of the actual Waldorf Astoria, which is a little bizarre since I didn’t think they were supposed to be *those* Waldorfs. Hmmm. Eleanor apologizes to Jenny, accessorized with a tape measure, for shutting her out of the meeting and then tells her that the buyer from Bloomingdale’s loved the dress she has on. Eleanor then coerces Jenny into offering to make a new dress for her to show to the reps from Barneys and Bendel’s tomorrow.
Blair, perched on top of Chuck’s limo, asks him to have a drink after school, flashing some thigh-high action. He asks her if she’s ready to say “those three little words” and I’m beginning to be annoyed at this whole “three little/magic words” bit. At the bar, Blair says that she wants them to be friends, but hey wait, first, can you help me decide if this scent should be my new one? He sniffs her neck, says she smells like desperation, which is even worse than smelling like Charlize Theron, so she does the clearly non-desperate thing and spills her drink on his crotch. Chuck’s not impressed. “You’re desperate, and I’m bored. And you ruined my pants.”
Serena goes to the Humps Gallery in Brooklyn and flirts with the new artist guy, Aaron, by telling him he f-ed up his entire installation and can’t spell. Meanwhile, Blair tells Dan that his Chuck-wooing tips suck, and he advises her to intercept him on his way home. And Serena continues to flirt over a microphone with Aaron, but Dan quickly busts that up.
Jenny is out at a bar with Agnes even though she’s wearing a crocheted vest and a bowler hat. I admit that Jenny looks older than she is, but seriously, she’s 15. Agnes covets Jenny’s dress too, so they pull a Britney switcheroo in the bathroom and walk out in ridiculous slow-motion, clad in each other’s clothes. Boy did Jenny get the raw end of that deal. Agnes, somewhat predictably, introduces her weird photographer friend who snaps photos of them being trendy and Nylon-esque all night long.
Blair sends Serena a text message that scoring with Chuck will be easy. She’s setting up candles in Serena’s room and tying her hair up by her neck, pretending that she’s having a sleepover with Serena. Um, sure. Chuck says he doesn’t mind that she won’t say “I love you” because the nape of her neck has addled his brain function. Just then Serena responds, “U R so bad!” via text, which, of course, Chuck sees, so she’s busted.
Jenny and Agnes have their own photo shoot in the bar. Mr. Photog says he likes taking pictures of her and they invite Lil’ J out to yet another bar to meet some super stylists. Jenny declines, but then drunk Agnes walks out still wearing her dress. This is awful because she needs the dress to rip it apart and make another one for boss lady Eleanor. And also, have you seen the outfit that Jenny’s left wearing? Eeek.
In the morning at Eleanor Waldorf’s House of Pancake Fashion, Jenny is sporting a leather jacket, a smoky eye and a bad attitude. Agnes tells Jenny that Eleanor is just using her to rip off her ideas. Do you really want to be known as Designer to the Stars of Colonial Williamsburg?
In an even more unbelievable sequence, Serena drags Blair all the way to Brooklyn to talk to Dan, purportedly so that he is distracted while she flirts with Aaron. “Do you know how to weld?” asks Aaron, to which Serena quickly responds, “I’ve seen Flashdance several times.” Then she pouts and blinks her eyelashes. Dan tells Blair to let Chuck go, but then Blair sorta-kinda admits that she loves Chuck. Dan relates an olde tyme when-I-was-with-Serena story. Snore. Get over it, dude. He basically tells her to fess up and spill it even though that’s scary stuff. So Blair sends Chuck a text message saying, “You win. Tonight.”
Jenny hands Eleanor the dress that she worked all night on, and Eleanor responds that she looks like hell, and so does the dress she made. Eleanor tells her she’s busted because she knows she was out at a bar with Agnes all night. Jenny sasses her big time, telling her that the buyers are only interested in her Jenny Humps designs. Jenny takes her new dress – and the famous green one – and walks out, slamming the door.
At the gallery, Rufus and Dan discuss Dan’s relationship with Serena and how Blair is hanging around a lot lately, like the smell you get after you eat some of Papa Humps’ chili. Meanwhile, Dirty V expresses her concern to Dan that he’s shacking up with Nate and now Blair is his BFF and that this all is ruining “her opening.” It seems that Dirty V forgot that she merely serves coffee and pastries at the gallery.
Meanwhile, Serena fondles the art and looks likes she’s lost. Aaron asks her to dinner while Dan sips a drink in the corner. Serena tells him that she’s not dating anyone, but he turns the table on her and says something about a caterpillar named Cecil and if she can make sense of that, he’ll go out with her. Okay, what? She just turned you down, brother Hell, if Serena can make sense of that *and* AP Economics in one episode, then I think the tide is turning.
Chuck’s up on the roof, so Blair rushes off to meet him, but Serena tells her to take it easy because “We don’t want your obit to say you died in Brooklyn.” Seriously. Dan intercepts Blair to warn her off about Chuck. Jenny runs into Agnes and Photog who just so happen to be at this gallery festivus as well She tells him that Nylon wants to do a feature on her as a “designer to watch.” Jenny responds with glee, “I am totally your bitch!” Nate runs after her as she’s off to become a “designer to watch make an ass out of herself” and she casually mentions that she no longer works for Eleanor. When he acts horrified, she tells him to mind his own business, Dad. Nate asks Aaron about Photog, who says he’s a great guy so long as he’s not dating your little sister.
Up on the roof, Blair tries really, really hard but can’t say, “I love you.” They argue over who has to be the first to say it. “Don’t tell me you brought me all the way to Brooklyn for this.” They fight about who screwed each other first. This is not looking good.
Blair cries to Serena that her meeting with Chuck was a disaster. Dan tells Serena that he might have had something to do with sabotaging her union with Chuck. Serena protests that they’re in love, as sick as that may be. Dan throws back that Dirty V was screwed by both of them, so maybe she deserved it. Whose side is Dan supposed to be on here?
Jenny and Agnes never made it to the other party because they’re at Photog’s apartment, where Agnes slobbers all over Photog and then convinces Jenny to dance around the room and strike ridiculous poses in their bras to some song while the Photog snaps away. Cue Nate, who busts into the apartment and drags Jailbait Humps outta there.
Dan tries to explain to Chuck that Blair was going to say “I love you” until he stopped her. Then he runs after Serena and apologizes to her too, saying he wants to be friends. She says she wants to go out with Aaron, and Dan says, “You have my blessing.” Ew. I guess now we see whose balls Jenny stole.
Serena then remembers that she went to camp in Europe with Aaron and they got “married” in a tasteful licorice-studded ceremony that has something to do with that stupid caterpillar, so she runs off to find Aaron, but he’s riding off with some other girl, who no doubt was totally into welding and entomology.
Chuck shows up at Blair’s house and says that they can’t admit their true feelings because it “could be the start of something that could be the end.” Like, ew, movies and holding hands. Gross. He says he’d rather wait and play mind games with each other in the meantime. She agrees. Love them.
Jenny throws her second tantrum of the day out on the street with Nate. Jenny reminds him that he’s not her dad or her brother, but since she doesn’t know any other boys except for her gay ex-boyfriend, she figures why not give it a go, so she kisses him. Nate runs with it. I’m not sure this makes him a good guest in the House of Humps, but we’ll see.
– Nicole Homewood