When Katie Couric ushers me into her sunny office, she transforms from female nightly news anchor into a concerned suburban hostess, offering coffee and breakfast. Her office walls are decorated with striking black-and-white photos of strong women, from Amelia Earhart to Olympian Wilma Rudolph and Sally Ride.
Couric, 53, is warm and generous; there’s an instant connection — albeit one we’d both rather not share.
Our subject is a new “Sesame Street” initiative to help families deal with the loss of a parent, at a time when people are waiting longer to have kids.
It’s a subject close to both our hearts.
Couric’s children, Carrie and Ellie, were 2 and 6 when her husband, Jay Monahan, a lawyer and NBC News legal analyst, died from colon cancer in 1998 at 42 (Couric was 41). My children, Kaitlin and Braden, were 3 and 5 when my husband, Braden Keil, a columnist at this paper, died 15 months ago from skin cancer.
The “Sesame Street” drive kicked off with an hourlong PBS special, “When Families Grieve,” hosted by Couric. One million free outreach kits designed to help families cope with grief are now being distributed. With one version for civilians and another for military families, they include a DVD that combines the beloved characters of “Sesame Street” with documentary footage of families who have lost a parent, a storybook to comfort grieving children, as well as tips and activities.
At a time when 2.5 percent of kids under 18 in the United States — some 2.5 million children — have experienced the death of a parent, it’s a start, says Couric, during an hourlong conversation where eyes were not always dry.
Post: Why did you get involved with “Sesame Street”?
Couric: One in 20 children under the age of 15 will lose a parent in this country. Providing families with the tools they need to cope and heal seemed to be a worthwhile public service. I was so surprised that there was nothing in the school system to help children deal with loss. There are a lot of caring teachers, but schools need to have a heightened sensitivity to this issue . . . and a plan of action for when a parent dies.
Post: It’s hard to believe something so horrible can happen to any family — yet it happens all the time.
Couric: It’s an exclusive club that no one wants to be a part of. I was just enjoying my life, in a very happy marriage with healthy children. I felt so lucky. When Jay got sick, it was a very surreal experience. It just seemed like this doesn’t happen to people on TV. Now the most important thing for me is to talk to other families and help them go through the mourning process.
Post: What can families do?
Couric: Talk about [the loved one who has died]. Tell the children how proud that person would be of them. Be as honest as you can with your children: Listen and talk to them about their fears and concerns. My daughters have now been alive longer than they knew their father. Kids are incredibly resilient, but I believe they need a place to talk freely. Children are very protective of the surviving parent; they don’t want to say they’re sad — but they do need a place they can go to understand their feelings. Therapy can help, and it’s always available, at churches, hospitals and privately.
Post: Children need to be included in the grieving process and in the rituals. What are some of yours?
Couric: On Jay’s birthday, we’ve sent balloons up to heaven. On other birthdays we’ve read some of the letters written to the girls after Jay died. This year, we watched a documentary about Jay by his brother. And we try to remember him in different ways, not just on his birthday.
Post: How can you be helpful to a family that’s lost a parent?
Couric: When families want to help, they have to do more than say, “Please let me know if there’s anything you need.” A grieving widow or widower isn’t likely to ask for help — they’re too overwhelmed. The families I spoke to said, “Just come over, do the laundry, take the kids to the mall.” If you want to comfort them, show up and step in.
Post: Suddenly becoming the sole caregiver for young children can be overwhelming — emotionally and financially. When people ask how I am doing, I say I am fine because I have to be. I have two small children to look after.
Couric: One of the beautiful things about having children is that you have no choice. You want to be an example. You have to show them that this is how you cope. Period.
Post: One way you’ve dealt with your husband’s death is by co-founding Stand Up to Cancer, which has raised more than $100 million for cancer research.
Couric: We’re a crazy group of moms, and we get dream teams of scientists. They have to fast-track the cures — three years, warp speed. We have bake sales and guilt people into buying lemonade because it’s for cancer. It teaches kids that they can make a difference, and it is fun — you can bake and sell lemonade.
Post: And helping others helps your own kids, too.
Couric: Ellie was 9 when she turned to me in the kitchen and said, “I am so proud of the work you have done.” That meant more to me than anything I’ve ever done. That is what you want your kids to see and feel — that their mom is doing something to help other people because we lost our dad.