Bernhard Goetz has something to teach New Yorkers about life, about animals, about the barbarity of circumcision and the joys of a well-oiled firearm in the right hands — if only he could be nailed down long enough to finish a sentence.
Bernie furtively darts and fidgets and talks in great, rapid-fire bursts that leave me queasy. He enjoys the company of wild squirrels, which he rescues from certain death in Union Square Park. Humans, not so much.
Bernie rose to stardom in 1984 as the city’s bespectacled “Subway Vigilante’’ — shooting and badly injuring four black youths he said were trying to mug him underground.
Then, like shoulder pads and random street crime, this ’80s relic burst back into public consciousness last weekend, when he was busted for allegedly trying to sell pot to a female undercover cop.
“You know, it’s not a shameful thing to be arrested for,’’ Bernie told me.
For some, Bernie will always be a champion of the meek. To others, he’s a public menace. He’s probably harmless.
But I wouldn’t turn my back on him.
I heard from Bernie this week when he e-mailed me a YouTube video of small-town Pennsylvania Police Chief Mark Kessler, who gleefully fired an assault rifle into a hill and donned a T-shirt saying, “Liberals take it in the a–.” He also directed a crude sexual term at Secretary of State John Kerry. Kessler was fired.
The lawman is Bernie’s new hero.
“That’s the kind of talk I like to hear,’’ he told me. “I think he speaks for most patriotic Americans.’’
I asked Bernie his take on the many shootings around the nation, including the terrifying rampage in a Jersey mall by a suicidal man who, thankfully, killed no one but himself. Bernie, who says he’s given up owning guns, sounded like a sage.
Or totally crackerjacks.
“I think America has gone a bit crazy,’’ he said. “I think America does not have a solid moral foundation.
“I think the biggest problem is eating meat but that seems to go right over people’s heads. I think eating meat is primitive and barbaric, just like circumcision. Add that to shallow television, new chemical drugs, and national leadership that can’t be trusted, and you have a lot of people who are confused and lost.’’
And then, there are the anti-gun liberals.
“I’ll never pass up a chance to insult liberals,’’ he said.
Though grayer and paunchier these days, Bernie, who turned 66 Thursday, is still slim and pasty and hasn’t changed much since he rocketed to fame, á la “Revenge of the Nerds,’’ as the .38-caliber Smith-&-Wesson-toting shooter.
After a highly political trial, he was acquitted in 1986 of the most serious charges, including attempted murder. He served eight months in jail on a conviction for unlawful gun possession.
The loner, whom I’ve never known to have a pal, let alone a girlfriend, didn’t admit to the misdemeanor marijuana sale and possession charges he now faces — and complained that his apartment was searched. But he seemed most upset at being accused of trying to pick up a cute cop, who he told The Post was merely “average.’’
“It’s baloney!’’ he told me.
Bernie, who was once briefly married, still lives alone on 14th Street, selling electronics over the Internet from his apartment. Since his trigger finger was clipped 29 years ago, Bernie continues to worship, from a distance, at the altar of powerful guns.
“I believe in the Second Amendment,’’ he said. “I was raised in upstate New York, on a farm, where if you called the cops, maybe they showed up the next day.
“I had my own real gun at the age of 9. You were given ammunition at age 10.’’ He waxes misty at the memory of the .22-caliber pistol owned by a neighbor boy, a gun “much nicer than mine.’’
Bernie ran on minor party lines for mayor in 2001, and for public advocate in ’05 on a pro-vegetarian, anti-circumcision platform. Now he thinks he’s “too radical’’ (ya think?) to get elected to office in this city.
Then again, Bernie might change his mind if, as he predicts, Mayor-elect Bill de Blasio is kicked out of office for being too leftist or something. Also, if he could install Ray Kelly or gun nut Mark Kessler as his police commissioner.
In the midst of our conversation, Bernie announced in a panic that he had to run.
“I have to feed the squirrels!’’
You’ve got to love this guy. From a safe distance.
WC ya later, guys!
No more mouthwash, toothpicks or intimate products. No awkward conversations with a man or woman who spends workdays tending toilets. And no skulking out of the john, feeling cheap and guilty, after you realize you’ve entered the potty zone without your wallet.
Balthazar owner Keith McNally is giving the boot to restroom attendants, after Business Insider editor and disgraced Wall Street alleged fraudster Henry Blodget wrote a piece describing his annoyance at having a peon watch him do his business.
Well, he’s got point.
Now, in what I predict will be a trend among eateries serving the 1 percent, diners at the Soho bistro will locate their own hand towels without being extorted for a buck or five.
How did this demeaning practice, for the customer and worker alike, get started in the first place?
All de Best for de Blas
And now, the buyer’s remorse.
Lefty Park Slope Democrat Bill de Blasio crushed Republican challenger Joe Lhota in Tuesday’s mayoral election. Now some in the city wonder if the lopsided victory will make de Blasio forget his promises.
A reader in Queens worried that Blaz won’t come through with providing affordable housing. “I could use it,’’ she wrote. Arnie from Brooklyn, who said he voted for de Blasio, worries how the incoming mayor will keep streets safe despite his fierce opposition to the police practice of stop, question and frisk.
He’s ours now, people. Give him a chance.
Gee, it didn’t last?
Hollywood’s creepiest couple, aspiring country singer Courtney Stodden, who at 19 looks 40, and “Green Mile’’ actor Doug Hutchison, who at 53 looks 53, announced they’re calling it quits.
The teen bride flew the nest after a 2¹/₂-year marriage that began after Stodden, at 16, received her parents’ permission to wed. In a decent universe, Hutchison might be called out for corrupting a minor.
But this was before the fair damsel’s DD-cup breast implants. (Hutchison is said to be “heartbroken’’ at the split.)
I guess true love is dead.
Madhattan real estate
Average cost of a two-bedroom Manhattan apartment: $1.4 million.
Asking price for a private island — which requires a row boat — in a Putnam County lake, complete with a four-bedroom house: $995,000.
The cost of having to live in Manhattan at any price: your sanity.