Any Bravo devotee knows that being a cast member on a “Real Housewives” franchise is just a step toward bigger career goals. The road has been paved with ultra-luxe cuff lines, ghostwritten memoirs and artificially flavored vodkas. But no “Housewife” career move is quite as iconic as attempting pop stardom — preferably with little-to-no singing experience and a seven-Pinots-in level of confidence.
Monday, “Real Housewives of Atlanta” co-star Porsha Williams joined the hallowed ranks, releasing her first single, “Flatline.” But how does it compare to the other “Housewives” storied singles? Because Bravo has somehow overlooked releasing a greatest hits album, we’ve compiled them here, ranking them from most likely to cause America to give up music altogether to “Well, it’s not the worst thing I’ve heard.”
Full disclosure: Because you don’t have all day to read this, we’ve limited the number of singles-per-“Housewife” to one hit smash, unless they’ve had multiple featured as series’ plotlines.
We also haven’t included Kandi Burruss, because she was in “Xscape,” and that’s not a fair fight.
LuAnn de Lesseps, ‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’
Historical significance: LuAnn used lines from her literary classic “Class With the Countess” for the first single to come out of “The Real Housewives of New York City.”
Sounds like: A lonely middle-aged man who teaches at one of those etiquette schools by day, but secretly lives a double life as a beat poet at night.
Worst line: “Your company should feel/when a conversation’s real/even if the topic feels like science class.”
Bonus Beyoncé-shaming live performance:
Simon Van Kempen, ‘I Am Real’
Historical significance: “Real Housewife of New York City” castoff Alex McCord’s husband is the only significant other to record a single — the only way he could express his experience on the show.
Sounds like: A grown man singing a song meant for a 16-year-old girl.
Worst line: “Gold and diamonds glitter/but the taste is slightly bitter.”
Bonus Beyoncé-shaming live performance:
Gretchen Rossi, ‘The Time Is Now’
View videoHistorical significance: Rossi wrote this song to perform on the latest season of “Orange County” to propose to her man-child fiancé, Slade.
Sounds like: The dissolution of the sanctity of marriage.
Worst line: “My best friend, perfect partner/you’re that and so much more.”
Kim Zolciak, ‘Google Me’
Historical significance: “Atlanta” housewife Zolciak couldn’t agree with fellow cast mate Kandi Burruss on the direction of her awfulsome follow-up, “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing,” so she put this out instead.
Sounds like: Your drunk aunt discovering the Internet.
Worst line: “My name is Kim Zolciak /you can find me on your TV screen.”
Kenya Moore, ‘Gone With the Wind Fabulous’
Historical significance: The “Atlanta” housewife stormed out of an argument, twirling and shouting, “I’m ‘Gone With the Wind’ fabulous!” She then, unfortunately, turned it into a dance track.
Sounds like: A royalty-free house beat overlaid with desperation.
Worst line: “You say I’m broke, I say I’m fabulous.”
Bonus Beyoncé-shaming live performance:
Michaele Salahi, ‘Bump It’
Historical significance: The “DC” housewife is best known for crashing the White House, but her musical legacy is equally as important.
Sounds like: Xanax personified.
Worst line: “Like, I’m so hot and you’re so not.”
Bonus Beyoncé-shaming live performance:
Melissa Gorga, ‘How Many Times’
Historical significance: The “New Jersey” housewife wrote this ballad for her husband Joe Gorga, he of untamed poison, about how he saved her after her dad died.
Sounds like: A Ciara reject from 2004.
Worst line: “Now I know/dreams come true/every night I pray for you.”
Shereè Whitfield, ‘Who Gon’ Check Me Boo?’
Historical significance: Whitfield, a former “Atlanta” housewife, made “Who gon’ check me boo?” a classic line on the show amid an argument with her party planner.
Sounds like: When the hobo on the A train starts screaming at you for no reason.
Worst line: “By now, I know that you’ve googled me/Wikipedia don’t know what to do with me.”
LuAnn de Lesseps, ‘Chic, C’est la Vie’
Historical significance: Kelly Bensimon and Jill Zarin joined the Countess for the music video for her follow-up single. The rest of the Housewives throw some serious shade by not taking part.
Sounds like: The tribal chant of a group of middle-aged women whose yacht crashed onto a deserted island, leaving them stranded for two years with nothing to survive on except Chardonnay and pâté.
Worst line: “Hair done, jewelry on, oh mirror on the wall/who’s the fairest in the land?/I guess it’s not his call.”
Jo de la Rosa, ‘U Can’t Control Me’
Historical significance: The “Orange County” housewife was the original pop wannabe.
Sounds like: The B-side to a Nickelodeon star’s attempt at a pop single.
Worst line: “You need me, tease me, never seem to please me/I’m about to scream.”
Danielle Staub feat. Lori Michaels, ‘Real Close’
Historical significance: Ex-“New Jersey” housewife Danielle Staub debuted the single on Andy Cohen’s “Watch What Happens Live,” implying she was having a lesbian fling with Lori Michaels.
Sounds like: Two people pretending to be in love for the betterment of their dwindling careers.
Worst line: “Why am I so scared/to be close to you/real close to you?”
Bonus Beyoncé-shaming live performance:
Melissa Gorga, ‘On Display’
Historical significance: Teresa Giudice’s sister-in-law joined the “New Jersey” franchise with a splash, attempting a music career right off the bat with this club banger. Nevermind that it’s about the pressure of being famous and was written before she was actually (somewhat) famous.
Sounds like: An early demo for a dance track that could make you want to get up and dance if you have fairly low standards for that sort of thing.
Worst line: “Got me feeling all these feelings and it’s drive me insane/paparazzi watching me do my thing.”
Bonus Beyoncé-shaming live performance:
Porsha Williams, ‘Flatline’
Historical significance: Williams’ “Flatline” is the latest Housewife single, most likely about her very failed marriage.
Sounds like: A woman with enough money to employ someone to make her sound halfway decent.
Worst line: “I’m fading, fading, fading/I’m fading, fading, fading, fading/I’m fading, fading, fading/I’m fading, fading, fading, fading.”
Kim Zolciak, ‘Tardy for the Party’
Historical significance: Kandi Burruss produced the song for Zolciak, who shut Nene Leakes out. It’s the highest selling of any “Housewives” single, and it has been seen on actual iPods.
Sounds like: All of the parts that make a good song — minus enthusiasm, talent, passion, etc.
Worst line: “Headed back to VIP, so tight that I can’t breathe.”
Bonus Beyoncé-shaming live performance: