“America Held Hostage” by the NFL Draft mercifully ends Thursday night.
Here is what we know: We have never known less.
NFL teams have made subterfuge and misinformation an art form.
There will be high drama from the very top of the first round to the bottom, with Johnny Manziel, aka Johnny Football, the straw that stirs this drink, as polarizing and compelling a figure as Tim Tebow was four years ago when the Broncos made him a surprise first-round pick.
Other titillating subplots include whether Jadeveon Clowney will be the first overall pick and whether Teddy Bridgewater will be chosen in the first round.
The Serby Mock 3.0 features three trades, including one by the Jets to land their man, as our long national nightmare thankfully ends at Radio City:
1. TEXANS: DE JADEVEON CLOWNEY, South Carolina: Not a scheme fit? Tweak the damn scheme, and give J.J. Watt help getting after Andrew Luck.
2. BUCCANEERS (from RAMS): QB JOHNNY MANZIEL, Texas A&M: Josh McCown is the caretaker, and Lovie Smith can teach this rebel with a cause how to be a professional — might want to add a Mons Venus clause in the contract — while he’s putting fannies in the seats. Before the blockbuster is announced, Jerry Jones calls Rams GM Les Snead and coach Jeff Fisher just to let them know quarterback is not the Cowboys’ priority.
3. JAGUARS: OLB KHALIL MACK, Buffalo: Gus Bradley needs to get after Luck, too, and can wait on his receiver given the depth of the class.
4. BROWNS: OT GREG ROBINSON, Auburn: A 330-pound bookend for Joe Thomas and possibly another Walter Jones. He will give new coach Mike Pettine a Ground & Pound capability with Ben Tate.
5. RAIDERS: WR SAMMY WATKINS, Clemson: He’ll catch 100 balls from Matt Schaub.
6. FALCONS: OT TAYLOR LEWAN, Michigan: A much-needed brawler on either side to keep Matt Ryan upright for the next eight to 10 years.
7. RAMS (from BUCCANEERS): OT JAKE MATTHEWS, Texas A&M: A plug-and-play mainstay on the right side who offers insurance for Jake Long.
8. VIKINGS: LB C.J. MOSLEY, Alabama: The high-character, three-down defensive quarterback new coach Mike Zimmer never had in Cincinnati.
9. BILLS: WR MIKE EVANS, Texas A&M: Doug Marrone wanted Watkins, but this is a 6-foot-5 consolation prize who makes the back-shoulder throw a weapon for EJ Manuel.
10. LIONS: CB JUSTIN GILBERT, Oklahoma State: Because of Chris Houston’s toe woes, here’s a 4.37 playmaker to defend against Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler.
11. JETS (from TITANS): WR ODELL BECKHAM JR., LSU: The perfect complement to Eric Decker. GM John Idzik, armed with 12 picks, channels his wild-and-crazy-guy side with a bold move up from No. 18.
12. GIANTS: OT/OG ZACK MARTIN, Notre Dame: You may have cause to check your NFL Network reception, because that indeed was Tom Coughlin doing cartwheels in the war room.
13. RAMS: S HA HA CLINTON-DIX, Alabama: Could go corner here, but why not a center fielder to checkmate Vernon Davis twice a year?
14. BEARS: DT AARON DONALD, Pittsburgh: Safety is a sinkhole for the Bears, but a disruptive Monster of the Midway in the middle of the line only makes DE Jared Allen all the more fearsome.
15. STEELERS: CB DARQUEZE DENNARD, Michigan State: Ike Taylor is on his last legs, and this guy fits the Mike Tomlin-Dick LeBeau mold.
16. COWBOYS: OLB ANTHONY BARR, UCLA: Calvin Pryor is tempting, but Jerry needs a pass rusher with DeMarcus Ware and Jason Hatcher gone.
17. RAVENS: S CALVIN PRYOR, Louisville: A belligerent partner in crime for Matt Elam.
18. TITANS: QB BLAKE BORTLES, Central Florida: Ken Whisenhunt can redshirt him for a year because the Jake Locker Era is coming to an end.
19. DOLPHINS: WR BRANDIN COOKS, Oregon State: This burner has a chance to be everything Mike Wallace is not, and all Ryan Tannehill has to do is get him the ball and watch the yards after catch. Unless the Eagles’ Chip Kelly can trade up in front of the Fish.
20. CARDINALS: LB RYAN SHAZIER, Ohio State: A 6-foot-1, 238-pound heat-seeking missile who can play inside or outside and rush the passer.
21. PACKERS: TE ERIC EBRON, North Carolina: Aaron Rodgers once fell in Ted Thompson’s lap, and now the replacement for Jermichael Finley falls in it.
22. EAGLES: CB STANLEY JEAN-BAPTISTE, Nebraska: If there’s anyone who isn’t afraid to be a riverboat gambler, it’s Kelly, who won’t be afraid to reach for a 6-3, 218-pound Richard Sherman clone and former wide receiver.
23. CHIEFS: WR MARQISE LEE, USC: Andy Reid traded up for Jeremy Maclin, and Alex Smith needs somebody with quickness and elusiveness to throw to opposite Dwayne Bowe.
24. BENGALS: CB KYLE FULLER, Virginia Tech: Marvin Lewis’ secondary is getting long in the tooth.
25. CHARGERS: CB JASON VERRETT, TCU: He may be only 5-foot-9, but he upgrades the league’s worst pass defense and will be willing to try to checkmate Wes Welker twice a year.
26. BROWNS: QB DEREK CARR, Fresno State: If Pettine doesn’t get the Rob Chudzinski treatment, he’ll have a fighting chance in 2015 — unless this proves to be another Mistake by the Quarterback Lake.
27. SAINTS: C MARCUS MARTIN, USC: Jonathan Goodwin was brought in for a tryout but not signed, so this 6-foot-3, 320-pounder is the replacement for Brian de la Puente.
28. PANTHERS: OT CYRUS KOUANDJIO, Alabama: GM Dave Gettleman needs a bodyguard for Cam Newton every bit as much as a replacement for Steve Smith.
29. PATRIOTS: DE/DT STEPHON TUITT, Notre Dame: Bill Belichick could trade out of the first round, of course, but this 6-foot-5 1/2, 304-pounder offers speed, power and versatility.
30. 49ERS: WR KELVIN BENJAMIN, Florida State: Tarell Brown and Carlos Rogers are gone, so CB Bradley Roby is in play. But Jim Harbaugh eyes a 6-foot-5, 240-pound matchup problem for the Legion of Boom.
31. BRONCOS: OG XAVIER SU’A-FILO, UCLA: Peyton Manning would very much like a quality replacement for Zane Beadles so he can yuk it up with Dave Letterman again next season.
32. JAGUARS (from SEAHAWKS): QB TEDDY BRIDGEWATER, Louisville: He won’t fill the seats for Shad Khan, but he can redshirt for a year behind Chad Henne.