Dear Tucker Max,
Say it isn’t so, bro! I thought you had crawled back under the rock from whence you came after the abject failure of “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell,” the 2009 movie version of your vapid but best-selling 2006 book of apocryphal tales of misogyny, chest-thumping, blackout drinking and “hilarious” antics, like secretly videotaping yourself having disastrous anal sex with an unsuspecting woman.
But no, you’re back and selling us a new, “improved” Tucker Max — one who’s realized the error of his ways, settled down and (God help us) procreated. And now, you’ve teamed up with a psychologist to market self-help to your fellow bros in “Mate: Become the Man Women Want.”
Your book — blurbed by Dr. Drew Pinsky, always a red flag — seems to rely heavily on evolutionary biology for its framework: “Men and women have evolved over thousands of generations to approach sex and mating in specific ways. In short, we explain how that works in a way that a modern man can understand and apply to his life.” This is the kind of caveman-behavior nonsense that leads men to think women love domineering a – – holes (which you yourself proclaimed in your 2010 book, “A - - holes Finish First,” so, the more things change).
Tellingly, the woman on your new book cover looks a lot like the one on the cover of the first one: While you’re wearing a crappy T-shirt, she’s sporting a strappy black dress with perfectly blown-out hair.
Because gender differences, amirite? As you told a fawning Maxim of your newly evolved views on feminism:
“It kind of depends on what you mean by ‘feminist.’ If you define feminist as a person who believes that women and men should be treated equally, then of course I’m a feminist. But what I disagree with is the radical gender feminists who believe there’s no biological difference between men and women. It’s just ridiculous. Women can have children, and men can’t. Those are biological differences, and they create different behaviors.”
Radical gender feminist here, dude. I can procreate, and yet I also prefer a comfy tee to a tight black dress! So weird, right? I’m going to make the crazy suggestion that you are literally the last man on earth to be advising other men on how to be good at relationships. Let’s revisit some quotes from your earlier work:
“How long have you known women? Dude — they’re all whores. Except our mothers.”
“I know this really sexy move you can do with your mouth. It’s called ‘shutting the f - - k up.’ ”
FatBitch: “I’m not fat!”
Tucker: “Are you kidding? Your back fat could have its own bra! Look at yourself — you look like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup!”
“There is a girl lying next to me on the bed, shaking me, saying something. She is not happy. She is also not skinny. Or attractive. She may not even be human.”
Admittedly, you have always been low-hanging fruit for a feminist-minded writer like me, and back in the day I took you to task in a piece I wrote about the rising trend of “retrosexuals,” for which you were a proud poster boy. By way of revenge, you posted my contact information on your site, leading to a steady stream of hate mail from your mouth-breathing, Neanderthal following. (No hard feelings, though — thanks for reading, trolls.)
These days, you’re claiming to be aghast that anyone actually took your books as guides on how to treat women. Dude. Brah. Come ON. The mentality you popularized in your books was instrumental in creating increasingly disturbing misogynist cultural phenomenons that followed, from GamerGate to rape stand-up to fraternity banners like these.
You really want to prove you’re a new man? According to your Twitter feed, you live in Austin, Texas: How about you volunteer at the Girls Empowerment Network, a nonprofit fighting an “increasing trend among middle school-aged girls — a systematic decline and sometimes permanent loss of self-esteem.” I can’t imagine where they’re getting the sort of cultural messages that would cause such a loss of self-confidence, can you?
If they won’t let you past the door — and I wouldn’t blame them — just donate all proceeds from the new book. It’d be a good start.