Hondo roared out of the gate Saturday, sweeping with his spread and Over/Under selections in the Chiefs-Texans. And that was it — from there, Mr. Aitch swirled down the drain with an 0-for-6 that made him feel like he’d just enjoyed a sumptuous Chipotle meal.
As for the divisionals, he hopes to get well with:
CHIEFS-PATRIOTS: The Patsies stagger in with losses in four of their past six. Injuries abound, Belichick’s keen eye for detail could be affected by his mysterious shiner and DE Chandler Jones went to the hospital Sunday because he allegedly smoked some “synthetic marijuana” — a clear indication they aren’t for real. Go with the red-hot and healthier Chiefs to make it 12 in a row. Sad to say, but for the Hoodie, it’s on to Pebble Beach for some free swing analysis from Peter Kostis, while Brady gets extra time to work on the upcoming Deflategate appeal.
Chiefs 24-23
PACKERS-CARDINALS: Mr. Rodgers doesn’t do so well when he leaves his neighborhood and visits Glendale, as was proven in the Packers’ 38-8 thrashing three weeks ago. Don’t be dissuaded by Green Bay’s seeming resurgence on Sunday. The well-rested Cards’ defense is far more stingy and manly than the Redskins’. As long as the Manitowoc County (Wisc.) Sheriff’s Office doesn’t engage in some sort of game-altering subterfuge, Arizona should slay the Pack again.
Cards 31-13
SEAHAWKS-PANTHERS: Camelot versus Kamelot. The Seahawks’ charmed life ends Sunday when Kuechly & Co. dominate, Graham Gano doesn’t miss any point-blank field goals and Jonathan Stewart holds onto the football. Count on Newton’s law — for every action … — to prevail: Cam’s profuse dabbing will trigger much misery from the Seahags.
Panthers 27-20
STEELERS-BRONCOS: Don’t be scared off by Peyton Manning’s nine one-and-done playoff appearances or his 0-5 record in sub-40 temperatures or the rust he has developed from not having started since Week 10. Do be scared off by the Steelers’ dire injury situation, namely Ben Roethlisberger’s sprained AC joint and torn shoulder ligaments, Antonio Brown’s concussion and DeAngelo Williams’ injured right foot. The general handicapping rule of thumb is: When a team with a totally depleted offense goes up against the league’s No. 1 defense, follow “D” money. The celebratory doobies will burn through the night in Colorado.
Broncos 23-10
New Giants coach Ben McAdoo reportedly is bringing ex-Dolphin coach Joe Philbin on board. With McAdoo having stood by while Odell Beckham Jr. melted down against the Panthers, and Philbin having presided over the Richie Incognito era in Miami, it could be total chaos with Big Blue next season.
Sources say President Obama hasn’t commented yet on the Iranian debacle with the American sailors because he’s on the DL. Apparently, during his State of the Union speech Tuesday night, he patted himself on the back so much for his alleged accomplishments he incurred the same shoulder injuries Roethlisberger has.
Bengwads fans threw water bottles, among other things, at Roethlisberger as he was carted off the field with an injury Saturday night, which is considered Burfictly normal behavior in Cincinnati.
The day after Steelers-Bengals, a game in which a player from each team left because of head injuries, Donald “El Donaldo” Trump declared: “Football has become soft like our country has become soft.” Finally, the voters who are pro-concussion have a candidate they can back.
From BarkingMut, aka HondoNation SoBe Bureau Chief: Adrian Peterson, having committed a costly fourth-quarter fumble and watched Blair Walsh miss a point-blank field goal, says they both should be punished with a tree branch. Not only that, but there are rumors AP wants to film a documentary of it — “The Blair Switch Project.”
Hillary Clinton admits she and Bill didn’t give Trump a wedding gift when he married Melania in 2005. The least they could have done was given them a piece of that stolen china or furniture they grabbed on the way out of the White House.
Former N.C. Senator and candidate for president John Edwards asked a San Francisco federal judge to appoint him to be the lead attorney in the lawsuits against Volkswagen for cheating on its emissions tests. Apparently, the plaintiffs want to take advantage of Edwards’ vast knowledge of cheating.
NBC announced this week that Jimmy Fallon does not have an alcohol problem. Or, as Albert Collins might sing: He ain’t drunk, he’s just drinkin’.
If Obama and John Kerry seemed largely unaffected by pictures of Iranians forcing captured U.S. Navy sailors to drop to their knees and hold their hands behind their heads, it’s probably because that’s basically the same position Obama and Kerry were in throughout their nuke negotiations with Iran.
Sean Penn, writing for Rolling Stone, interviewed drug kingpin El Chapo Guzman but not before agreeing to give him final approval for the story’s content. As it turned out, El Chapo didn’t need the veto power. The mighty Penn wrote such an unadulterated gusher that not a word was changed.
Speaking of bad journalism, Bob Costas on Sunday introduced an interview with Adrian Peterson by saying it would cover football-only topics, not Peterson’s suspension for hitting his child, because there wasn’t enough time to “ask appropriate follow-ups.” Cynics might think Peterson, taking a page from El Chapo’s playbook, was granted final approval on the questions.
Emailer Donny Mac on Antonio Cromartie and his wife expecting twins, despite Cromartie having undergone a vasectomy: Looks like his sperm broke some tackles and found their way to the end zone. One thing’s for sure, the doc who performed the vasectomy should be flagged for illegal procedure.
The Playboy mansion reportedly is on the market for $90 million, but, unfortunately, 89-year-old Hugh Hefner, gets to stay until he goes. For that kind of money, you’d think you and the wife and kids wouldn’t have to be subjected to seeing Hef shuffling around with his noodle peeking out from his robe.