Hondo started slowly in Week 1, muddling his way to a 7-9 mark (1-2 in Best Bets) that left him one game out of the of Bettor’s Guide dungeon.
There are, of course, consequences for the nine betrayals, so it’s off to Mr. Aitch’s “basket of deplorables” for the Panthers, Bengals, Titans, Packers, Saints, Chiefs, Colts, Cards, and Redskins.
As for Week 2:
Giants over Saints: Both teams are loaded offensively, but the Saints again have decided not to assemble a professional defense. Hondo would have made the Giants a Best Bet, but there’s a chance they could be on the receiving end of a karma kick in the butt for re-signing Josh Brown.
Lions over Titans: Two audience members at a recent taping of “Dancing with the Stars” charged at disgraced Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, according to news reports. That’s one version of the story. Lochte has a slightly different version: “Seven armed men surrounded me with their semi-automatic weapons pointed at my head, but I just stared them down until help arrived.”
Texans over Chiefs: Houston, giving a measly three, is desperately seeking vengeance for January’s playoff pounding by K.C. Lay ’em and slay ’em.
Patriots over Dolphins: Dolphin coaches had better beware: Bill Belichick, always looking for an edge, intends to provide them with Samsung Gallery Note 7 phones for in-game communication.
Browns over Ravens: Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh denied he went digging for a nose nugget then slipped it into his mouth during Saturday’s rout over Central Florida, despite damning video evidence to the contrary. Clearly, Harbaugh is in denial and could benefit from entering the 12-step AB-EA (Adult Booger-Eaters Anonymous) program. “Hello, my name is Jim, and I am an adult booger-eater …”
Emailer BarkingMut weighs in with his first woof of the season: After the game, Harbaugh changed up his “Who’s got it better than us” catchphrase, proudly shouting to his team: “Who’s got a better booger than me!”
John Harbaugh can’t be happy about the nose-oriety his brother is getting. Many people probably figure if Jim’s a snot-snacker, then John probably is too.
Steelers over Bengals: Fun factoids of the week: Jim Harbaugh’s favorite song is “Boogie Fever” and his favorite movie is “Boogie Nights.”
Cowboys over Redskins: “Moobs,” aka man breasts, has been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. They are not to be confused with “SuperSaggers” — which are much larger and were often used to describe Ted Kennedy’s rack.
49ers over Panthers: Since Roger Goodell and the refs seem to be allowing helmet-to-helmet hits on Cam Newton this season, Hondo suggests you take a stand with the 49ers. Goodell told an amusing joke when he announced the NFL will donate $100 million to concussion research. Quipped the commish: “I care about our players.”
Cardinals over Buccaneers: Hillary Clinton’s personal physician, Dr. Lisa Bardack, claims the candidate is in “excellent mental health.” That’s only if you don’t include that pathological lying thing she has going on. In the wake of Hillary’s near collapse last Sunday, Chris Cillizza of the Washington Post had to walk back his comment that there is “zero evidence” anything is wrong with Hillary’s health. And that, folks, is the price you pay when you believe a Clinton.
Seahawks over Rams: With Hillary on the mend, Bill Clinton filled in for her at a couple of stops this week. Says the ol’ Horndog-in-Chief: “It’s just good to get back on the campaign tail.”
Broncos over Colts: Even though Brandon Marshall was fined $24,309 for a helmet-to-helmet hit on Cam Newton, he defiantly proclaimed, “I’ll do it again.” Apparently, his craving for an end to injustice in the streets, which he expresses by kneeling during the national anthem, doesn’t extend to the football field.
Raiders over Falcons: Hondo would be lyin’ if he said you won’t be cryin’ if you bet on Matt Ryan.
Chargers over Jaguars: After last week’s loss to the Packers, Gus Bradley fell to 12-37 as head coach of the Jaguars. Gus maybe should have gone into a less results-oriented business, such as weather forecasting.
Packers over Vikings: Minnesota coach Mike Zimmer won’t say which of his QB rejects will start, Shaun Hill or Sam Bradford. In the words of Hillary Clinton: “What difference does it make?”
Bears over Eagles: There’s a new product out called the Little Rooster S Vibrator, which serves as an alarm clock when set and strategically placed. The only complaint about it so far is that all the loud moaning and groaning wakes up the whole house.
Best bets: Jets, Texans, Raiders.
Thursday: Jets (W).