I had the chance of a lifetime to relieve myself like royalty at The Guggenheim Museum on Friday morning — in Maurizio Cattelan’s 18 karat solid gold toilet.
I gave it two thumbs up — while only sticking to No. 1.
But don’t think for a second that I didn’t rest my rump on that glorious all-gold bowl like King Midas!
Sure, my journalism career has now literally gone into the toilet, but it was honestly well worth it.
From the minute I walked into the tiny, fourth floor bathroom and gazed upon Cattelan’s interactive art piece, dubbed “America,” I was overwhelmed with a sense of euphoria, like a kid seeing a piece of fool’s gold for the very first time. The glow of the toilet blinds you and immediately draws away from the prison-like amenities of the bathroom.
Yes, while the toilet was lavish, the lavatory was not so much.
The tissue paper was rough and plain, the sink was basic and the mirror was…you know, a mirror.
But boy, that crapper!
Upon first glance — and after hearing how museum staff had just got done cleaning the fixture, which they do every 20 minutes — I couldn’t help but give the toilet a rub down, gently caressing the seat and handle before finally plopping down on the potty.
Surprisingly, while I feared that my backside would instantly freeze off, the glossiness of the gold provided me with one of the smoothest, most luxurious feelings I have ever experienced in my life. And don’t even get me started on the royal flush!
Watching the water swirl back down the gilded bowl was hands down, the most satisfying part of the whole experience. The way the light from the bathroom beams off the gold is truly breathtaking.
The one problem I did find with Cattelan’s “Guggen-head” — which wasn’t even made in America — was that you’re not allowed to lift the seat. So make sure your aim is on point, fellas.
Overall, I’ve sat on a lot of toilets in my life — from the MGM Grand to Opryland — and this Italian beast is by far the best.
It was a moment my cheeks will never forget! And neither will Trevor White’s.
“I was really taken back,” he said, minutes after becoming the first member of the public to use the toilet. “I don’t have a golden toilet in my house, so this is probably the only opportunity I’m going to have to do something like that. I took selfies on the toilet and everything!”
White, 39, said he decided to check out the art piece after seeing it on the front page of The Post on Friday. The Bronxite refused to say whether he did one or two, though.
“I was a little nervous because it’s a golden toilet. But after a while, you start taking pictures and stuff and you realize it’s just a toilet,” he said. “When you gotta go you gotta go. So sometimes it may not be a golden toilet, but any toilet will do when you gotta go.”
The Columbia University grad said he understood how the potty could invoke “the American dream of opportunity for all,” like Cattelan intended it to. But he also felt it could be considered a slap in the face to Americans.
“Pretty much, you sit there on the toilet and it’s like, ‘wow if I apply myself at work I could actually acquire something like this because this is America. America is the land of the free and home of the brave.’ I definitely got that feeling,” he said. “But I also felt it could mean America is excessive in their needs. They put stuff like golden toilets in their homes, where’s it’s not really called for. But that’s America. We overdo things a lot. So it was kinda teetering back and forth between those two, for me.”
For those wanting to give the toilet a try, simply head on down to the Guggenheim and pay the $25 price of admission. And don’t worry about bringing a plunger.
“The toilet won’t clog,” Nathan Otterson, senior conservator of objects at the museum, insisted repeatedly.
Sounds like a challenge to me!