We’re all connected, we all screw up and we all unwittingly hurt others just as we are hurt by them. While the good apology is deeply healing, an absent or bad one can put a crack in the very foundation of a relationship or even end it. “I’m sorry” are the two most important words in the English language, yet for some people, they are the hardest words to say.
I confess that I’m not always a champion apologizer. With my husband Steve, for example, I like to apologize for exactly my share of the problem as I calculate it (never more than 47 percent) and I expect him to apologize for his share, also as I calculate it. Of course, we don’t always do the same math which, on a bad day, can drive a conversation swiftly downhill.
We’re all apology-challenged with certain people and in certain situations. But some people have an especially hard time taking direct and unequivocal responsibility for their errors and mistakes, and offering a heartfelt apology when one is due. If you’re waiting for a healing apology from such a person, well, don’t hold your breath.
What’s going on here? My research suggests that these three factors top the list for understanding the defensive non-apologizer.
Being a man
First, being raised male is the major risk factor for being an under-apologizer just like being raised female is the greatest risk factor for being an over-apologizer. In all cultures that have been studied, men apologize less than women. Men often tell me that they view apologizing as a weakness, as if they are losing something or giving the other person the competitive edge. Apologizing requires the courage to make ourselves vulnerable, since we don’t know how our apology will be received or what it will unleash. Learning to “Be a man!” doesn’t lend itself to this kind of openness.
The judgement factor
Second, it’s difficult for anyone to offer a heartfelt apology in a relationship where they feel more criticized and judged, than valued and respected. As one husband put it, “No way I’m going to apologize to my wife. She criticizes me for everything so apologizing feels like putting my head on the chopping block and saying I’m the whole problem which I’m not.” It’s hard to apologize in a relationship that lacks an emotional climate of care and respect.
It all comes back to self-worth
Finally, shame and feelings of unworthiness are what drive the entrenched non-apologizer — that person who will never own up, take responsibility or feel genuine remorse. And the more serious the harm, the less likely an apology will ever be forthcoming.
It’s easy to offer a genuine apology for a simple mistake, like spilling red wine on your friend’s carpet. But in order to offer a heartfelt apology for a big offense, a person needs to have a solid platform of self-worth to stand on. From this higher vantage point, the person can look out at their bad behavior and apologize because they see their mistakes as part of a larger, more complex ever-changing picture of who they are as a human being.
But people who do serious harm stand on a small rickety platform of self-worth They are unable to orient themselves to reality and to understand the hurt they’ve caused, because doing so threatens to flip them into a sense of worthlessness and shame. The entrenched non-apologizer walks on a tightrope of defensiveness above a huge canyon of low self-esteem. No matter how well you approach this person — be it your mother, partner, or friend — you will never get the apology you long for and deserve.
The right way to do this
Here’s a bit of advice for the person who needs to give an apology and the one who needs to receive one.
When you’re the one who wants an apology, focus on how you feel (“I left our conversation feeling like a smaller person who didn’t meet up to your standards.”) and not on the other person’s crime sheet (“You were so nasty and belittling when we talked.”) Keep it short. Don’t overtalk it or overload the circuits. People shut down quickly when they don’t want to hear what you’re saying. Angry confrontations only lead the wrong-doer to wrap himself more tightly in a blanket of rationalization and denial and see you as the problem, making a heartfelt apology even less likely.
When you’re the one who needs to offer an apology drop the defensiveness and apologize with your whole heart. Listen for the essence of what the hurt party is trying to tell you, rather than listening to correct facts, or to catch distortions, exaggerations, and inaccuracies. Openhearted listening requires that we listen for what we can agree with and apologize for that part and that we stay curious about the hurt party’s experience. No apology has meaning if we haven’t listened carefully to the hurt party’s anger or pain.
The need to give and receive apologies is with us until our very last breath. If you can get both sides of the equation right, all of your relationships will benefit.
“Why Won’t You Apologize?” by Harriet Lerner is available now.