Like most Brits in America, there are many things that I have never been able to wrap my head around: beef jerky, health insurance and, most of all, jam bands.
The tie-dyed subculture is huge in the US — so huge that Vermont legends Phish are currently in the midst of a 13-night run at Madison Square Garden (ending Aug. 6).
As an avowed punk-rock enthusiast, I like music to feel like a hard, fast punch to the face. So an evening with 18,000 hippies flailing around like demented jellyfish to endless guitar solos is my idea of hell.
Still . . . 18,000 hippies is a lot of hippies. Maybe I’ve been missing something?
With guidance from my friend Hope, who has well over 100 Phish shows under her belt, I finally, reluctantly, broke my jam band cherry at the band’s Baker’s Dozen tour. Here’s how it went.
8:09: Off to an unusual start: The band begins with an a cappella version of “White Winter Hymnal” by folk-rockers Fleet Foxes. Did I come to the right show?
8:10: The smell of weed billows across the crowd. Yes, I did come to the right show.
8:11: OK, the weed is already burning my eyes.
8:35: The mellow jams have started early. “The Very Long Fuse” is indeed very long, and also very dull. And the lite-reggae of “Yarmouth Road” (sung by bassist Mike Gordon) is a total snooze.
The woman next to me is playing “Pokémon” on her phone. I take a moment to make sure my push notifications are in order.
9:10: I spot a guy with a Phish/Electrolux T-shirt on. Confused, I ask Hope what it means. Apparently, drummer Jon Fishman occasionally uses a vacuum cleaner as a musical instrument, and Phish fans find this entertaining. What the bloody hell am I doing here?
9:22: Now we’re getting somewhere. The band plays “Tube,” and singer Trey Anastasio brings a spacey solo out of his guitar that sounds like a baby crying. It’s a surprisingly intense moment and ends the first set on a high.
9:40: Intermission. Hope and I watch the crowd on the MSG concourse, and she informs me that the crowd is a two or three on the “crusty” scale. “To be a nine or a 10, they’d have mud-crusted dreadlocks, some kind of mutt on a rope leash and a tank of nitrous oxide,” she says. Delightful.
10:00: After ejecting some squatters from our seats (you’d never get that a punk show — those fans obey the rules), we return.
Phish starts the second set with the surging rocker “Carini.” It’s the best song so far, and to my disgust, I’m on the verge of dancing.
10:15: “Carini” devolves into another long, noodling guitar solo and segues into the Anastasio solo track “Mr Completely,” which features even more soloing. It’s getting hard to tell some of these songs apart.
10:20: Check Facebook. Someone I don’t like has commented on a baby picture posted by someone I don’t know. I still hit “like” because the baby is cute, and it kills three seconds.
10:21: Anastasio is still soloing.
What the bloody hell am I doing here?
10:25: The guy behind me is so into Anastasio’s ongoing soloing, he’s playing air piano.
10:29: Anastasio is still soloing, and I’m no longer sure if I’m alive, or even want to be.
10:30: Yes! All is forgiven. Phish starts a superb version of Prince’s “1999.” It’s the treat I’ve been waiting for and, judging by the reaction, many of the diehards wanted it too.
Another sturdy cover, this time of Led Zeppelin’s “No Quarter,” follows soon after. Suddenly, this Phish show feels much closer to fun than I could have ever imagined.
11:00: Really want to go home now. Suspect that I smell like pot dispensary that’s just been sprayed by warm beer.
11:10: The biggest revelation of the night is “Character Zero,” a catchy, blues-rocker that elicits a massive reaction from the audience. For an encore, Phish dish out a sublime version of “Powderfinger” by Neil Young and Crazy Horse for no discernible reason other than they felt like it. The anything-could-happen appeal is suddenly apparent. I could get used to this.
11:30: Leave the venue and confirm that I smell as bad as I feared. A solid two on the crusty scale. Not bad for a Phish newbie. But I’ll have to listen to nothing but Minor Threat for the next two weeks to restore my equilibrium.