Jaws dropped around the country last week while watching the finale of “The Bachelor.” Arie Luyendyk, 36, proposed to Becca Kufrin, 27, early in the episode, only to brutally dump her later in the three-hour special, which compressed months of their courtship.
“I think, for me, the more I hung out with you, the more I felt like I was losing the possibility of, maybe, reconciling things with Lauren,” Luyendyk told Kufrin, referring to the show’s runner-up, 25-year-old Lauren Burnham.
The next night on the “After the Final Rose” special, Luyendyk said he’d proposed to Kufrin in error, due to “the pressure” of having to make a big decision in one day. He then proceeded to get down on one knee and propose to Burnham.
“I’m ready to face this life with you and all that comes with it — good and bad,” he told her. “I love you so much.”
Ratings ploys aside, the whole fiasco begs the question as to whether a relationship that begins in a betrayal — like Luyendyk’s decision to ditch his fiancée for another woman — can ever be successful. Experts say they can be, but patience is key.
“You have to take baby steps,” says Manhattan-based therapist and relationship expert Rachel Sussman. The person who did the betraying has to show “full transparency” and “explain why it happened, show that you’re changing and … understand it takes time.”
Sue, a 29-year-old Manhattan-based entrepreneur, says her relationship is proof that an unhappy beginning can have a happy ending.
Four years ago, she met her boyfriend through her work in consulting. There was an immediate connection, especially after their company raised a big round of funding, which led to drinking champagne around a pingpong table. Soon they were spending all their free time together — well, nearly all of it.
A few weeks later, her boyfriend, whose name she doesn’t reveal for privacy reasons, copped to being in a long-term relationship with another woman. He said he’d wanted to dump her for years, but felt afraid of hurting her feelings. When he explained everything to Sue, it hit her like a ton of bricks. Suddenly, she was the other woman.
“When he told me about it, I literally fell out of my chair,” she says. “Our relationship was so new, and it felt so insurmountable to [their seven-year] history.”
‘Pay attention and find out more information before getting overly involved with somebody.’
Her boyfriend ended the other relationship, but it took Sue months to feel totally comfortable with him.
To make matters worse, the ex didn’t know about his relationship with Sue even after the breakup.
“I spent a night arguing with him about [his] deleting [Instagram photos of us together] because he was worried about her feelings,” Sue says. She told him: “I need you to show me you’re going to put me first.”
Now, the pair are considering marriage and even freezing embryos in the hopes of having a family at some point.
In navigating these situations, Matt Lundquist, a Manhattan-based psychotherapist who specializes in couples’ and marriage therapy, says listening is key.
“I don’t think you need to form fully established conclusions,” he says. “Pay attention and find out more information before getting overly involved with somebody.”
People make mistakes, Sussman adds, but if someone makes the same mistakes in relationship after relationship, it’s time to sever ties.
“This isn’t nine lives — we’re not cats,” she says.