This week’s forecast: rain, more rain … and umbrella attacks.
Yes, in case the foul weather isn’t bad enough, you can probably look forward to getting poked in the eye — or ribs, or groin — with some passerby’s errant brolly. If only we handled umbrellas like the weapons they are!
Here’s how to keep dry without harming yourself and every New Yorker in your path.
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1. Time it right
There’s probably a reason it’s bad luck to open an umbrella indoors: Those behind that superstition probably found themselves on the receiving end of a spoke in the nose at some point. Instead, wait until you’re just out of the door, look both ways for innocent bystanders, then raise the umbrella above your head and unfurl. Do the same, in reverse, when you’re heading back inside.
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2. Size wisely
There’s no sense in holding up more (or less) coverage than you can handle. It’s the rare petite person who can manage a mammoth golf umbrella, while 6-footers look downright silly (not to mention wet) under teeny, tiny Totes. It’s all about proportion, people.
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3. Fold it in tight spaces
When you’re heading into a narrow alleyway or ducking under scaffolding — and half the city seems to be under cover these days — be smart, and shut your contraption. Not only will this make navigation easier for you and everyone else in the confined space, but there’s less chance you’ll snag it on something and break it.
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4. Know up-and-down etiquette
Umbrella encounters can get hairy when walkers approach each other from opposite directions. To avoid a watery collision, follow this rule: If you’re taller than the oncoming person, lift your umbrella above theirs. If you’re shorter, pull it toward your head and go low. When in doubt, raise it — think of the gesture as a watery salute.
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5. Hold it close
A folded, standard-size umbrella is not a sword; there’s no need to brandish it like a saber. Ditto for swinging it jauntily like an elephant’s trunk. Rein it in, and tuck it vertically against your person, whether you’re riding an escalator or sitting on the subway.
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6. Don't multitask
It takes real skill to text while walking and wielding an umbrella — skill most of us lack. Whatever you have to say can probably wait, as anyone who has watched a slippery cellphone disappear down a storm drain can tell you.
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7. Use a storage bag
It doesn’t have to be fancy. A plastic sack from the supermarket will do just fine as long as it fits over your sodden, rainy-day accessory. If you’ve ever slid across the rain-slicked floors of the Port Authority, you know what we’re talking about.
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8. Discard responsibly
It happens to every New Yorker at some point: Your umbrella kicks the bucket right when it’s raining buckets. (Hey, that’s what you get for buying one of those $5 sidewalk specials.) Frustrating, yes, but don’t hurl it into the street. Littering won’t make you any less soaked.
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9. Go commando
Portland, Ore., averages 154 rainy days a year, yet none of the natives seem to own umbrellas. Maybe they’re in denial or simply too busy juggling their pour-over coffee while riding their bikes. They make do with hats and slickers. Now there’s a notion: No umbrellas at all!