“The Bachelor” franchise doesn’t get talked about as a sport enough, which is a real shame. It might not be the most physically demanding thing on television (save for the occasional bikini skiing), but it’s a cutthroat battle where some of the world’s most talented charmers/social media influencers/generally hot people go head to head to determine who is the very best. From a mental standpoint, the competition is as high as any professional sport. (There are even fantasy leagues!)
And just like pro athletes, there are some “Bachelor” contestants who are good at playing the game — and some that are not. There are time-tested strategies for succeeding on the show, and for every contestant that wins over the star and/or audience, there will be a guy or gal who says the wrong thing, starts unnecessary drama and alienates the entire house.
So for 2020, The Post is recapping “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” the same way as we would the NFL season: with power rankings.
After each episode, the remaining contestants will be ranked from first to last based strictly on their performance within the competition of the show. Their chance of winning the whole thing will be weighed heavily, but will not be the only determining factor in the rankings; overall entertainment value and hijinks will be considered as well. A great date or an early rose will earn points — but so will memorable antics (falling asleep in a rose ceremony) or one-liners (“My vagine is platinum.” Yes, Corinne Olympios would have likely done well in these rankings). On the flip side, bad dates, drunken tantrums, unnecessary conflicts and an overall lack of screen time are among the things that could cause contestants to slide.
During Monday’s premiere — a three-hour marathon that included two group dates, a one-on-one, and not one but two appearances from former “Bachelorette” Hannah Brown — we got an extended look at the field of women. Here’s how the battle for Peter Weber’s affection is shaping up after Week 1. Draft your “Bachelor” fantasy leagues accordingly.
1. Hannah Ann Sluss: There’s a logjam near the top, but 23-year-old model Hannah Ann edges out the field for the early lead. She plays up the family angle in her conversations with Peter, which seems to be going well for everyone. She gives him a picture of the Smoky Mountains she painted with her father and is the first to kiss Peter (well, kind of — more on that later). She ends up with the all-important first impression rose after stealing him not once but twice afterward — the “can I steal you?” method is risky, but often works. Plus, she is the only one to correctly answer how many feet are in a mile during the flight school group date. (Admit it — you weren’t sure either.)
2. Madison Prewett: A close second is Madison, who faced the unenviable task of meeting Peter’s parents and attending their vow-renewal ceremony on the first date. She handles it like a champ, with Peter’s mom telling her, “I really like you.” She also catches the bouquet in a total coincidence that was definitely not staged by the producers. She gives the traditional “I wasn’t expecting to have feelings so soon” speech, gets the rose and dances with Peter as Tenille Arts sings for the approximately 900th time on this show.
3. Kelley: Closing out a trio of early front-runners is Kelley, for whom a solid case could be made to put in the top spot — that’s how close it is right now. The Chicago-based lawyer met Peter in a hotel lobby and shared a dance with him in the months before filming, giving her a leg up on the competition that is sure to go over well with the rest of the house. She cheats her way to victory in the flight-school relay race, giving exactly zero f - - ks as she veers off the obstacle course and scores a sunset plane ride with Peter. Kelley’s a presumptive favorite that surely has a large target on her back.
4. Victoria P: She may not have gotten as much screen time as the top three, but Victoria P. feels like a contender and is my current dark horse to win it all. She has a compelling back story: She lost her dad when she was 2, and her mother struggled with addiction (she is now sober). At flight school, she gets sick on the gyroscope and ends up vomiting, which is far from a kiss of death — Vanessa vomited on a date in Nick’s season and ended up winning the whole thing. (At least Peter and Victoria didn’t make out immediately after.) Peter says it “showed him a lot” that she went out of her comfort zone, and later yanks a bunch of roses off the wall of the garden and gives them to her. That’s when they make out. For now, she’s at No. 4, but don’t be surprised if she shoots to the top in the coming weeks.
5*. Hannah Brown: She’s not officially on the show (at least not yet), but she’s easily ABC’s biggest star right now, and the network seems intent on squeezing every bit of star power they can out of her. So for as long as she keeps showing up, we’ll include her on these rankings with an asterisk. Plus, if she does join the house (which seems unlikely), she immediately jumps to the top. She’s got history, which is a lot more than any of the other girls have. Like, four times as much.
6. Alayah: She’s the first one out of the limo and has a nice moment with Peter later on, when they read a note her grandma wrote for him — which, by the way, is addressed “Dear Bachelor.” (You’re not even going to use his name?) Peter is a family guy (reference!) and Alayah’s values seem to line up with that. Plus, she was Miss Texas 2019, and we already know Peter loves himself some pageant girls.
7. Mykenna: At only 22, Mykenna is the youngest contestant to make it past the first night, but she has a few tricks up her sleeve. After she tries and fails to steal Peter from Natasha, she starts throwing paper airplanes at them. (Get it? Because Peter is a pilot. The plane references might outnumber the virgin references in Colton’s season.) It works, as they end up kissing, and Peter seems pretty into it. There’s also a shot of her staring menacingly at Hannah Ann after she gets the first impression rose, so stay tuned for that.
8. Tammy: It isn’t clear yet if Peter is into her, but Tammy had an extremely fun debut and was on camera quite a bit. She introduces herself by scanning Peter’s crotch with a metal detector and saying, “They told me there was a large package in front of the mansion.” When the soon-to-be-eliminated Jenna brings an “emotional support cow,” Tammy tells everyone it’s a “pony.” Later, she handcuffs Peter and kisses him, which he seems lukewarm about, but hey, at least she went for it. Her final act of the opening night is to tell the camera that she’s going to “eat all the cheese I can eat” if she gets a rose, which is maybe the most relatable thing anyone has ever said on this show. Unfortunately, she’s the one who gets screwed over by Kelley’s obstacle-course cheating, so she doesn’t get a sunset plane ride with Peter. She may not win, but Tammy is awesome and needs to be on “Bachelor in Paradise” if this doesn’t work out.
9. Lexi: We’re getting to the mostly anonymous portion of the field. Lexi drives in with a cool car, and they seem like they’re having fun driving it around the parking lot.
10. Sydney: Sydney challenges Peter to a game of windmill-themed mini golf. If we don’t get murdered by pilot references this season, the windmill references are sure to finish us off.
11. Alexa: Alexa, who “waxes vaginas for a living,” is featured in the character intros, so maybe she becomes important somewhere down the line. So far, she doesn’t have much screen time.
12. Kiarra: Kiarra approaches the mansion crammed in a suitcase, pushed by a guy dressed as an airport skycap. Points for creativity, flexibility or just being really small. “That’s some David Copperfield s - - t ,” host Chris Harrison says.
13. Natasha: Lost the showdown with Mykenna, but did provide a fun moment when she brought a 50-times-bigger paper airplane than hers to interrupt their conversation — and doesn’t leave when she sees Mykenna and Peter make out.
14. Deandra: Comes to the house dressed as a windmill. Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
15. Jasmine: She says, “I heard you did it in a windmill four times” in Vietnamese, which is pretty cool. Her ABC bio says she is looking for a man “who can get her Chick-fil-A on a Sunday,” which is the most unrealistic expectation in the show’s history.
16. Courtney: She makes a crack about joining the “mile high club.” Pilot joke!
17. Lauren: She gets a rose. Peter says she is “gorgeous.” That’s about all we know so far.
18. Sarah: She’s a medical radiographer, which sounds impressive. Her ABC bio says she “loathes slugs,” and there has to be a story there for her to mention it. Who actually likes slugs?
19. Kelsey: Kelsey is a “professional clothier,” which means she sells cloth? Either way, she gives a nervous confessional as Peter is giving out roses, and just as it looks like she’s about to get eliminated, she gets a rose.
20. Savannah: She blindfolds and kisses Peter before even walking into the mansion, which seems a little weird. She also has a mild breakdown after Madison gets the one-on-one and she doesn’t, which seems a little early.
21. Shiann: Rough debut for Shiann. First, she gets interrupted by Hannah Ann. When she confronts her about it, Hannah Ann proves to be the superior Ann-suffixed contestant by stonewalling her with politeness, and Shiann ends up floundering. In “The Bachelor,” if you’re going to confront someone, you need to do it with conviction. In the flight-school relay, she takes the lead, but gets caught up changing outfits, comes in third — and cries. Finally, she gets interrupted again by Kelley at the end of the group date, and admits off-camera she should have stood her ground.
22. Victoria Fuller: No one had a worse night than Victoria F. It starts off cringeworthy as she attempts to deliver a dirty joke in her intro, starting with the line, “I have a very dry sense of humor” then failing to properly deliver the punch line. “But that’s about the only thing that’s dry.” Yikes. She appears to get very drunk very quickly and brings the joke up again to Peter, who doesn’t remember her telling it the first time. She then gets interrupted and cries. She ends up with the final rose, which is usually a sign that she isn’t long for this “Bachelor” world, but rumors have swirled for months that she will be the season’s “villain” — and a particularly controversial one at that. “I can honestly say in all my years doing this, I have never had so many negative stories and as many people contact me about one person than I have this season with Victoria Fuller,” Reality Steve wrote in a spoiler blog.
Eliminated: Kylie, Katrina, Jenna, Maurissa, Avonlea and all three flight attendants (Jade, Eunice and Megan)