When Michael Van Camp left his full-time job in private wealth management in the summer of 2018, his fiancé, Chris McLaughlin, didn’t bat an eye. McLaughlin himself had walked away from his career in research and marketing at a consulting firm to become a second-grade teacher on the Lower East Side. They discussed their transitions before leaping into new careers.
“Chris asked me if he was crazy to be going back to school [for a master’s degree] and I asked him if I was crazy to leave Wall Street for hospitality and we both answered with a resounding, ‘No, not crazy. Go for it!’ ” says Van Camp, now director of events and finance at Amali Restaurant Group on the Upper East Side.
The Prospect Heights couple made it a point to talk to each other as they pursued their jobs. They negotiated tweaks in their home life, like taking turns walking Sparkie, their rescue dog, while juggling McLaughlin’s 60-hour workweek with Van Camp’s days that begin around 9 a.m. and end after 8 p.m., where support is key.
“Since I transitioned to being a full-time student, Michael has materially supported my decision by taking care of household expenses and advised me financially,” says McLaughlin. “I don’t ever get upset if Michael has to work late or misses plans. I always put myself in his shoes and think, ‘how would I feel if I had to work late and he was nagging me about it?’ Working long hours is draining and the last thing I want to do is pile on to that. So I guess it boils down to empathy and understanding.”
Jennifer Petriglieri, Ph.D. and author of “Couples That Work: How Dual-Career Couples Can Thrive in Love and Work” (Harvard Business Review Press), says deep conversations discussing career changes are key, since they can impact home life significantly — through relocating, less money or traveling more frequently.
“There’s no one-size-fits-all solution. What works for you is very different for another couple,” says Petriglieri, who interviewed 150 couples in long-term relationships around the world who are thriving at home and at work.
She recommends talking regularly before any big fluctuation emerges.
“It’s an ongoing conversation, but not keeping a scorecard. Even just half an hour . . . instead of collapsing in front of Netflix, let’s get a cup of tea and take stock for 20 minutes. Really check in with each other: How are we feeling, what really matters, are we straying off the path, what can we be doing better to support each other emotionally?”
If circumstances aren’t always completely equal, that’s normal, since on any particular day, no couple is exactly 50/50. “Today I may be 70 and you may be 30, can we manage that over time? That’s what being a couple is about — there are periods where I need a crutch and other periods where we swap,” says Petriglieri.
That’s how Upper West Siders Alina Adams and Scott Wickham cope. In 2006, Adams, who was pregnant with their third child, left her full-time corporate role as a creative content producer for soap operas to pursue writing. In 2009, her husband left his full-time job in technology at an insurance company to pursue teaching. The math and physics teacher sometimes works weekends, too, traveling with a Science Olympiad team.
“My income easily went down by two-thirds, if not more,” Adams says about leaving her job. “My husband said, ‘We’ll make it work, we’ll figure it out.’ When it was his turn three years later, I told him, ‘You were OK with me quitting to follow my dreams, I owe you the same thing.’ ”
Adams says, “I don’t object to him being gone on the weekends. If the kids need to be taken to an activity, do it. There is no sense of ‘Oh, I did this, so you have to do that.’ We don’t keep score of who ‘owes’ whom.”
There’s no resentment, just a simple understanding of having each other’s backs. “I take care of her, she takes care of me,” says Wickham. “Together we pay the bills.”
Their understanding is the foundation of what keeps marriages ticking. According to a 2016 Harvard study, unions that falter due to finances don’t do so because of the lack of money, but rather what financial troubles represent — a division of labor.
Nicole Noonan, founder and CEO of New Chapter Capital in Midtown, a company that funds legal fees, anticipated costs and living expenses associated with divorce proceedings, says that “careers rarely develop in tandem. One career may be soaring while the other is barely staying afloat. These imbalances may create tension and sacrifice. One spouse may feel guilty about spending time outside the home, the other may not think enough about the ramifications. Marriage is at its essence a partnership, and not all partnerships work the same.”
Petriglieri says that resentment can emerge when there’s an imbalance of power. “Am I supported to have a shot at my ambitions? It’s not about necessarily achieving it, that’s not my partner’s fault if I can’t achieve it. It’s not about what you choose. It’s about the way you go about choosing it.”
For Kara Landau, CEO and founder of Uplift Food, a gut-health food startup, support came from her husband, James Forkan, a senior structural engineer who financially backed both of them when she launched her company two years ago.
“We went for over a year living in a studio apartment on the Upper East Side on the one paycheck, plus whatever was left of my savings after I had invested in the company,” says Landau. “We also were newlyweds who had only dated for nine months prior to getting married. If that didn’t put strain on a young couple, I am not sure what will!”
“I am very proud of Kara and what she has achieved,” says Forkan. “We still have miscommunications at times around what she needs to feel supported, but we are improving and trying. Amidst everything, Kara has continued to give me her time and push me to think about the direction my career can take to build the best life for myself and ourselves as a couple.”