O holy neighs and brays
Life for me is becoming the Animal House. Sunday, Musha Cay. The Bahamas. A tortoise whose kin hit 900 pounds discovered me. I quick disappeared into the foliage. Yesterday, Cardinal Dolan stopped a Radio City camel’s advances with: “Easy. Cindy’s older than you are.”
Every November His Eminence, his rescue dog Pickles and I bless the Music Hall’s Christmas pageant animals.
Cardinal Dolan: “The inn had no room. No place to stay. Animals, the greatest gift, were right there at Jesus’ birth when nobody else was.”
Then he whispered: “Once a camel spit on me and we had to have my clothes cleaned.” And to a sheep sidling up: “Now I feel guilty wearing my Irish wool sweater.”
Talking about the Rockettes who rehearse at Lincoln Center’s St. Paul the Apostle church: “Religion is going down. St. Patrick’s used to be jammed every service. Spectacular. Now it’s not always full. Less crowded because once it was the center of New York tourism. I don’t know where this world is going.”
Walking home begat the Prince of the Church His Eminence Timothy Cardinal Dolan’s: “I need coffee and fruitcake. I never get enough of fruitcake.”
Born stars
Netflix, hustling “Hustle,” did two shindigs for Adam Sandler in one night. Downtown with Jimmy Fallon. Uptown with Drew Barrymore whom Sandler knows 30 years and helped do the pilot for her TV show.
Sandler always thought he was funny even when others didn’t. The family encouraged him.
“I was the youngest. They’d say ‘Adam, sing.’ So I’d sing. I was big in the car. The passengers gave me confidence. Then, when I did stand-up comedy, nobody liked me. At 17, me believing I’m incredible, people were thinking ‘This guy’s effing horrible.’ And I’d be like, ‘They don’t understand how good I am.’ ”
Barrymore, who also likes the limelight, also keeps going: “I’m like an animal in heat. I was born with a martini and a cigarette and I’ll come and hump your leg. Every director tells me ‘Do it a little less.’ I don’t have a subtle bone in my body.”
Spacing out
Sixty-something spaceman Neil deGrasse Tyson says space will be an average tourist thing in 30 years.
“We’re still looking for other life forms. There’s two branches of exploration. Searching for life. Rovers on Mars study icy moons for example. The other branch searches for extraterrestrial intelligence.”
Yeah. And we keep looking for intelligent life down here. May our capsules not look in the White House.
The 12 days of Christmas NYC style: One week’s salary of Eric Adams’’brother. Two weeks of Cristal Champagne. Three cellphones. Four Rolexes wholesale. Five housekeepers cleaning. Six agents not stealing. Seven accountants counting. Eight bimbos shtupping. Nine shrinks assessing. Ten checks bouncing. Eleven divorce lawyers pouncing. Twelve NY Post editors screaming. And a CNN DVD in a pear tree.
Only in America, kids, only in America.