The Top 6 relationship red flags to look out for — cheating isn’t one
Turns out a wandering eye is not the biggest threat to modern sex, love and understanding.
There are six main red flags that most men and women see as deal breakers in romantic partners — and “cheating” isn’t one of them, according to the psychologists behind a new study.
The research — launched in 2015 and published in the latest edition of the Personality and Individual Differences journal — looked at 285 undergraduate students in the US with an average age of 22.
Participants completed two rating scales: The Mate Value Scale, a 22-item inventory of desirable traits rated by importance, and the Sociosexual Orientation Inventory, a rating of how open they were in relationships.
The researchers — based at the University of Liverpool in the UK — investigated the “dissolution of romantic relationships — and friendships,” taking a deep dive into “Dark Triad” data to discover how often undetected “narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy each predicted break-up behavior.”
Here are the tell-tale signs people should be wary of when seeking a healthy committed relationship — be it sexual or platonic.
They concluded that the six traits that were considered the most jarring warning signs for a doomed love match were being “apathetic,” “gross,” “unmotivated,” “promiscuous,” “clingy” and “addicted,” meaning someone who has had an alcohol or substance problem and/or a criminal past.
The study considered how each red flag differed for long-term and short-term relationships, as well as between men and women.
When it came to long-term relationships, being apathetic — inattentive, uncaring, untrusting and dismissive of interests — was considered the biggest red flag for both men and women.
In second place came someone being “gross” — meaning having poor hygiene, being “unattractive,” smelling bad or having certain health issues like sexually transmitted diseases.
Being clingy ranked third, which was seen by participants as covering controlling behavior and being too jealous.
Other major red flags in long-term relationships include any sort of addiction (third place), lack of motivation, ambition and financial prospects (fourth place) and lastly, being promiscuous — meaning having sex with or having dated many other partners.
The rankings were slightly different for men and women in short-term relationships, with being “gross” sitting in first place, followed by being “clingy” and apathy sliding into third place.
While men and women seemed to have similar opinions on red flags in long-term relationships, they differed on which they thought was more of a deal breaker in short-term relationships: promiscuity or lack of motivation.
Women viewed an unmotivated partner as being more of a turn-off than one that’s promiscuous in a short-term relationship, while men said being promiscuous was worse.
Those who said they were open to uncommitted sex rather than a relationship viewed each red flag at a lesser extent — besides clinginess.
Overall, women had stronger deal-breaker ratings than men.
Researchers noted that most prior dating research focused on what people look for in a partner rather than what they don’t want.
“Preferably, red flags are caught early on — and not after a significant bond is formed,” psychiatrist Grant Hilary Brenner told Psychology Today in his analysis of the new study.
But he also warned that looking solely for desirable traits in a partner when they first start dating could risk the person trying to “check boxes” rather than search for connection and attraction.
“In the best of all possible worlds, this research can help to facilitate positive change for those who significantly raise the red flags,” Brenner added.
“Regardless, in all cases, across the lifespan, it’s important to approach relationships wisely, weighing desirable and undesirable factors, getting to know the other person before going all in, grounded in self-knowledge and compassion.”
