Mom of two babies gets strong online reaction after refusing to visit hubby’s grandma in the hospital
An exasperated mother of “two babies” voiced her close-to-the-breaking-point frustration on social media, eliciting some 1,300 reactions, including comments ranging from sympathetic understanding to strong advice to stick to her guns.
Fox News Digital reached out to a New York-based psychoanalyst and parenting expert for insight into the family’s situation.
“My husband’s grandma has been in and out of the hospital since December [with] health complications from back surgery,” wrote a woman who said she is 30 years old and married to her 31-year-old husband.
“For context,” wrote the woman on Reddit, “this isn’t the first surgery or injury she’s had in the eight years I’ve been with my husband. And each time, me, my husband and my husband’s mother have been her caretakers,” she added.
She also wrote, “This particular surgery was a more extensive one than any prior. She had a laminectomy and a fusion. She was only in the hospital for three days after this surgery despite not being able to walk or use the bathroom on her own.”
The woman, going by the username “Medical-Society-9970,” added, “We tried to convince her to enter a rehab facility, as my husband and I both work full time.”
The couple has a 2-year-old and a 1-year-old, she wrote on the subreddit known as AITA (“Am I the a–hole”), “and can’t dedicate time to being her caretakers.”
As further context, she said that her mother-in-law “doesn’t work, but lives about 30 minutes from my husband’s grandma and often cares for her other son’s child (our nephew).”
However, the grandmother apparently “didn’t listen” to the family’s advice about rehab and “instead heavily relied on my husband and mother-in-law to care for her. She would call my husband at all times of the night and ask that he come to her house because she was scared or in pain.”
Initially, the mom continued about the situation, “I was understanding, but it put a lot of strain on us because our boys don’t sleep through the night consistently.”
After about a week, the woman wrote, the grandmother “began requesting that [the] mother-in-law stay the night at her house so that she won’t be alone (she wasn’t alone — my husband’s sister, age 19, currently lives with her while she attends college to obtain a degree in the medical field).”
This arrangement, wrote the woman, “continued for another few days until we and her doctor were able to convince her to enter a rehab facility.”
Yet, “while there, her calls to my husband became more frequent and more dramatic,” wrote the young mother.
“This is where my frustration began (this was around mid-January),” she went on.
“I voiced my frustrations to my husband and he shared my frustrations but felt obligated to go when she would call.”
Finally, though, “he told his grandma that he had a full schedule at this point in life and can’t be her caretaker. She went home after three days in the facility (against many nurses’ and doctors’ recommendations).”
The woman continued about her family story.
“My mother-in-law then began staying at her house again. She was in and out of the hospital about five times due to her wound not draining effectively, her growing inability to walk and her pain level.”
She added, “She was just admitted to the hospital again yesterday and after a couple of tests it was determined that she has an infection in her bones.”
Additionally, “about 30 minutes ago, she had a nurse call my husband from her cell phone and demand on her behalf that he come to the hospital because she woke up and was very scared,” wrote the woman on Reddit.
She continued, “I became enraged and told him to inform her that I will not visit her in the hospital for this stay, and neither will our children.”
“I told him that we already have two babies and she is acting like the third one that we cannot and will not care for right now.”
She added, “He left for the hospital and like clockwork, our one-year-old yr woke up (teething … ).”
The woman then asked others on the platform whether she was in the wrong or what she should do.
Erica Komisar of New York City, a psychoanalyst who specializes in parenting and family issues, told Fox News Digital on Friday, “Extended family is important and I am guessing that she loves her husband because he is so caring and attentive to those he loves.”
She added, “To ask him to not care about his grandmother would be asking him to be a different person, probably one she would not recognize. It is a balance of nurturing and boundaries — which means asking her husband and mother-in-law to take turns caring for the grandmother rather than running together every time she needs them.”
Komisar said as well, “It also means getting a full-time home attendant who can be physically and emotionally present as a surrogate for family when they are unavailable.”
On Reddit, one commenter in the top-upvoted reply wrote to the woman, “I’m sorry you are so frustrated. But remember the lady isn’t your grandmother. So, focus on the fact that you need more support from your husband.”
The same person continued, “That’s a position of strength you can debate from. And no one will criticize you for that. If you complain about his grandmother being needy, your husband may become defensive? Naturally, he wants to be supportive of her because he loves her?”
The person went on, “So, just don’t make yourself the bad guy. Keep the focus on what isn’t getting done around your home with your kids and ask your husband what the plan is to make sure everybody is covered and supported.”
Another responder to the drama said, “She [the grandmother] needs more help than you can provide.”
Still, another person wrote, “Grandma clearly needs constant professional care. None of you can medically care for her, so it would be unsafe for her to stay with any of you. You are being very responsible in admitting you can’t meet her needs, because you already have your immediate family to care for on top of keeping a roof over your head with a full-time job.”
A different commenter put things even more bluntly. “You need to have a ‘come to Jesus’ talk with your husband. Tell him, ‘While I appreciate you want to be a good grandson — in your quest to do so, you are failing as a husband and father. I am struggling to raise our kids by myself, which is harming your children.’”
Someone else added, “It sounds like she [the grandmother] may be suffering from something more than just back surgery.”
