Geez, spring intrasquad college football is now all over afternoon TV. And smack in the midst of finals! How do these scholar athletes manage it all!?
Now that making bail is no longer essential for big city criminals, I’d like to commit several breaking-and-entering capers, just to leave my mark in the renewed spirit of Robin Hood before he declares bankruptcy, both financially and morally.
First stop: Fox Sports’ college football studio show. I’d bust into the area where the graphics are typed then posted, then provide a national audience a little info never before seen on TV as regular panelist Urban Meyer speaks. It would read:
“Head coach of 2008 national champion Florida Gators. According to the New York Times, 41 players from that team — 41! — were arrested, as that’s what it took for Meyer to succeed then be paid even more millions.
“Then he was off to coach Ohio State, in his home state, where at least eight more players were arrested, and Meyer didn’t fire his pal as an assistant coach despite reportedly knowing that the man had allegedly physically abused his wife — at least not until weeks after the allegations were publicly revealed, under pressure from the school and after the wife had obtained a restraining order.
“No matter,” I’d continue to type, “soon we here at Fox banged down his door to hire him before another TV network could.”
And just for breaking-and-entering fun, I’d conclude with, “When Meyer left OSU he was teaching a course titled, ‘Leadership and Character.’ ”
Then I’d finish up with “and that was when Division I football still had rules to ignore or circumvent. There are no more rules. Do as you wish but pack a load of cash to recruit players — even if just for a few games. Ability to read, write and speak discernible English to be enrolled is strictly optional, if not accidental.”
And we’d be remiss if we didn’t credit multimillionaire collegiate leaders such as Meyer, as well as TV — its billions of dollars paid for rights, hideous hires and play-stupid trained broadcasters — for the now total corruption of college sports.
As Howard Cosell said upon the death of “Papa Bear” George Halas at 88, “It was inevitable.”
And I’d conclude my live TV graphics stealth with, “Oh yeah, sports fans, college football and basketball, men’s and now women’s — (while trying to type ‘college’ without cackling) — will soon collapse under the weight of greed, corruption and financial insolvency. Rah!”
Then I’d jump into a waiting getaway car to speed to TNT’s NBA studio where I‘d commandeer its graphics machine during one of TNT’s playoff telecasts. And when special playoffs guest Draymond Green spoke, I’d bang out something like this:
“Green has been fined nearly $1 million for recidivist and often violent misconduct during his NBA career. His multiple suspensions have cost him an estimated $3.2 million. He has been ejected from 21 games.
“He’s a team-first player, too. Just this past March 27, with Green’s Warriors desperate to stay in the playoffs hunt, he was ejected for his second technical — four minutes into the game!
“He’s also a vulgar, trash-talking you-know-what stirrer who called ESPN’s Kendrick Perkins ‘a coon.’
“And that’s why we here at NBA-partner TNT chose Green to be seen and heard throughout these playoffs!
“He’s the available player who best represents TNT’s great regard for the NBA, its players, management, ownerships and fans. Draymond Green, in accordance with our highest standards, is the single presence that you, TNT’s viewers, most deserve!”
Much like NFL and University of Miami “great” Warren Sapp, hired by the NFL Network to be a draw despite of — or because of — a bio loaded with vulgar, violent malevolence that might make Green green with envy.
Sapp — recently hired as a Colorado assistant football coach to mentor young men at the beckoning of agent-of-God and charter school scammer Deion Sanders — was finally let go by the NFL Network after he was “arrested in a Phoenix hotel after an altercation turned physical. According to reports, Sapp had a disagreement over monetary payment with two women identified as escorts. He was booked on one count of solicitation of prostitution and two counts of assault.”
He might have been short on money having previously spent lavishly on himself but failed to pay child support. Was the NFL Network the last to know? Impossible. Rather, he was just the kind of guy it wanted!
From TNT, I’d bolt up to ESPN in time to catch P.K. Subban’s riffs during the network’s Stanley Cup studio show. I’d seize ESPN’s graphics machine to type to a live audience:
“Subban was known as among the dirtiest players in recent NHL history. His ‘slew foot’ sneak attacks — going after the backs of opponents’ legs, specifically their ankles — led to both injuries and frequent fines.
“A highly self-impressed fellow, Subban has at least twice during these playoffs scolded players for, of all things, ‘dirty play.’ ”
And then I’d break into the room that holds ESPN’s laugh track machine and hit the “on” button.
But intelligent sports fans long ago knew not to expect any better from TV than the most unworthy people available.
Why? You tell me.
Olson Emmy win means nothing
Greg Olsen — Fox’s lead NFL analyst the past two seasons, despite his widespread unpopularity for his inability to stop talking throughout three-hour telecasts — recently won his second Sports Emmy as the best live event analyst.
But I long ago learned not to take Sports Emmys seriously when Ch. 7’s clownish and often last-to-know sports anchor/weather man Spencer Christian beat out Ch. 4’s Marv Albert for best local sports anchor.
Reader and radio host Jody Davis: “Loving the ad for Domino’s New York-style pizza during the NBA playoffs — the one featuring some yutz dipping his slice in ranch dressing.
“You know, like a New Yorker would do.”
Go figure: Bob Wischusen was a strong, steady and credible presence as an ESPN play-by-play man throughout these Stanley Cup playoffs. Steady, nothing over the top, he was downright good.
But as the Jets’ radio voice, he chooses to be heard as an unhinged, screaming mad man, far beyond a standard homer. A Jets first down causes him instant hysteria and automobile drivers sudden fright.
Or is it that the Jets’ radio audience is unworthy of a dignified call?
Yanks aren’t only team swept away by stream
Thank Rob It’s Friday: While Friday night Yankees games have so often been lost to viewers unwilling or unable to penetrate streaming paywalls, the Red Sox also had recent two Friday night games on Apple+ with another Friday nighter exclusively streaming late this month.
Quiz time: French Open tennis now being played at Roland Garros Stadium. Who was Roland Garros? He was a French World War I fighter pilot ace and innovator until, at age 29 in 1918, he was shot down and killed.
Reader Howie Siegel notes that the Texas Rangers, in Hannah Huesman, have a mental strength coach. “This leads me to wonder if MIT has a weight room.”
