How ‘next-level helicopter parents’ are tracking their adult children, stunting them
Rising parental anxiety is resulting in “next-level helicopter parents” for college students, a psychotherapist told Fox News Digital – and others agree that as well-intentioned as it may be, it can create harm in the long run.
“There’s no doubt [that] parents are more anxious and more intrusive than ever,” Jonathan Alpert, a psychotherapist in Manhattan and Washington, D.C., and author of the book “Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days” told Fox News Digital via email on Tuesday.
Some parents, Alpert said, “track their kids via apps and even attempt to connect with professors.”
As college classes resume, social media posts abound from anxious parents asking if they should be calling their child’s RA (resident assistant), intervening in roommate issues or even driving to campus to help their child make friends.
An August 29 post on Reddit’s “r/College” page from a person who claimed to be a first-year student at Yale detailed how her parents are “constantly tracking” her – even setting a bedtime.
“They stipulate that I must be in bed, in my dorm, by 10 every night. I have switched my location in Find My to my iPad, which I leave in my dorm, and I pause my location in Life 360 to get around this,” said Reddit user “Sageshrub.” Life360 is a location-sharing app.
Sageshrub wrote that her mother “called my school’s police dispatch and found out where I was” after she did not answer the phone.
“She then emailed my dean and wants me to withdraw from school,” she said, adding that the “controlling behavior makes me so anxious and depressed — does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to finally get some peace?”
Fox News Digital reached out to Sageshrub for any updates.
This type of over-the-top behavior from parents is not entirely unheard of, said Alpert.
“In my own practice, I have had many parents reach out to me on behalf of their young adult child to attempt to set up therapy appointments,” he said. The behavior is rooted in parental anxiety more than the inability of a young adult to make an appointment, he said.
“Many parents who have a strong emotional bond with their child might feel an equally strong sense of loss as their kid goes off to college,” said Alpert.
The use of apps to track their children gives the parent “a sense of control and reassurance, and helps quell their anxiety.”
He suggests parents “strike a balance” – one that lets them grow as an independent adult.
One thing that parents today are experiencing is “worry about worry, or anxiety about the possibility of anxiety,” Jennifer L. Hartstein, PsyD, told Fox News Digital. Hartstein Psychological Services, PLLC, is based in New York.
“The problem with this is that it does ultimately trickle down to their college-aged child, creating worry in them, as well,” she said via email.
During the start of college, it is “normal” for young people to undergo what Hartstein called an “adjustment period” – “anxiety, sadness, some difficulty settling in.” She said that “many parents react strongly to this, feeling as though their child is really suffering rather than navigating typical reactions to novelty and change.”
These parents “try to swoop in” and fix the problem – but by doing so, they prevent “growth, learning and resilience.”
“While it may seem easier for parents to just step in, and it does alleviate the parents’ anxiety, it actually does a real disservice to the young people,” she said.
Instead, “parents need to slow down, get their own reactions under control, and help to teach and guide their children rather than do it for them,” said Hartstein.
But for some new college students, their parents are simply doing what they have always done: helicopter over them.
‘Helicopter parents for years’
Parents who engage in this behavior are “preventing their child from learning how to be an independent functioning adult,” Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the “How Can I Help?” podcast, told Fox News Digital via email.
Many of these parents, said Saltz, “have been helicopter parents for many years, smoothing the way, helping their kids avoid mistakes or failures, [and] taking care of problems their children encounter.”
Being a helicopter parent with a successful child is a core part of their identity, she explained. “Their child’s successes [are] a reflection in their mind of their vigilant parenting, and the struggles of their children mean they aren’t doing a good enough job.”
Yet raising young people in this manner is not setting them up for success into adulthood.
Independent, functioning adults are those “with confidence in their own ability to manage life, from learning how to make mistakes and get back up,” she said.
That means they have the ability to learn from their mistakes and to gain confidence in their academic abilities – something that cannot happen if a parent is constantly tracking them and editing their homework.
“Now you have some parent-made realities that make this the first time these kids are on their own to manage both concrete and emotional tasks that will cause struggle,” said Saltz.
The anxiety around the potential of a child experiencing struggle, coupled with the near-certainty of something going awry the first time a child is on their own, “creates a recipe for extreme college helicoptering,” said Saltz.
‘Not losing your teenager’
Parents who send their children to college need to “understand that you’re not losing your teenager,” Alpert told Fox News Digital, adding that “your child going off to college is a sign you did everything right.”
A parent should “trust you’ve taught your child well, and that he/she will know how to handle the many challenges that lie ahead, and that is part of character building.”
Someone struggling with these emotions, he said, should “re-frame it and recognize it as progress and accomplishment.”
Additionally, said Alpert, “next-level helicopter parents” should work on their own mental state. “Remember, stress can be contagious, and naturally, your child will want to comfort you,” he said.
A child who feels as if he or she is responsible for quelling a parent’s anxiety may have issues with assimilating into college life, said Alpert.
“It can also put them in a tough spot where they feel torn: Take care of the parents’ emotions or go out there and experience autonomy,” he said.
Instead, an anxious parent should seek out other parents for support, said Alpert.
“They’ll understand your emotions, and you can be each other’s best buddies through this transition,” he said.
