I’m an etiquette expert — congratulating a couple on their engagement is rude, here’s what to say instead
If you find yourself typing “congratulations” under a couple’s engagement photos on social media, you might want to think again.
Etiquette expert Alison Cheperdak warns that congratulating lovebirds on the momentous occasion is actually a faux pas, explaining that it makes engagement feel like a necessary life achievement rather than an act of true love.
“Saying ‘congratulations’ can imply that the engagement is an achievement,” she told Jam Press.
“As if one partner ‘won’ the other, rather than a mutual decision to build a life together.”
The Washington, D.C., etiquette expert explained that congratulating the bride could be perceived as being surprised that she has “found love.”
“It can suggest that one person is lucky to have secured the other, which can feel transactional rather than a celebration of mutual love,” she added, highlighting that marriage is “not a task accomplished,” but rather a commitment to love.
“While getting married is significant, achievements are typically efforts that require skill or accomplishment, like a career milestone or completing a personal goal.”
She suggested saying, “I’m so happy for your both” or “best wishes” as a substitute.
“Express excitement without the connotations of congratulations,” she advised.
“Congratulations should be reserved for accomplishments such as graduating, landing a new job, or reaching a personal milestone — moments that reflect individual effort and growth — which will look different for different people.”
Cheperdak posted a TikTok series on the subject, but received mixed reactions.
“Hey! So this is crazy,” one critic wrote.
“I never in a million years would make the association that ‘Congratulations’ means ‘I didn’t think you’d do it'” declared another.
“I don’t think it’s that deep,” snarked someone else.
“Oh geez,” one user wrote sarcastically. “You’re a BLAST.”
Some, however, agreed with Cheperdak’s advice.
“Yes! Always taught this. I always say ‘best wishes!'” one person said.
“Agree! I’m a wedding photographer and I just say ‘Omg how exciting you must be over the moon.’ Something like that,” agreed another.
