Here’s why you should never tell your child ‘I’m so proud of you’ — according to ‘gentle parenting’ experts
Stop praising your kids.
That’s according to the trendy new “gentle parenting” style — which involves never telling your children that you’re “so proud” of them.
The rethink of old habits has hit the spotlight after a recent TikTok video went viral of mom Taylor Wolfe instructing the “Boomer” grandmother not to say, “I’m so proud of you,” to her grandchild.
“That’s putting the focus on you,” Wolfe explained in the clip, instructing the grandma to instead say, “you should be proud.”
The change in phrasing instills a child’s confidence in their own choices and behaviors rather than rely on external validation, according to experts.
Overusing the phrase “I’m proud of you” turns kids into “praise junkies,” or someone who constantly depends on praise from others, author Laura Markham previously told the outlet Today’s Parent.
She recommends phrases like, “You must feel so proud of yourself.”
According to Dr. Cara Goodwin, a licensed clinical psychologist and contributor to Yahoo News, research shows that “process praise” — or praising the child’s efforts or strategy with performing a task — actually boosts internal motivation.
On the other hand, “person praise,” which highlights traits such as beautiful or smart, can have the opposite effect, making the child focus on mistakes or blame themselves when they mess up, per Goodwin.
Research also shows that praise should be specific, applauding the child on their specific behavior that is good, rather than a generalized statement of praise. According to Goodwin, this helps the child understand how to act in the future.
Overall, the sometimes controversial parenting method focuses on respect, empathy and boundaries to raise independent, happy kids, starkly contrasting from traditional parenting methods that strictly punish wrongdoings and reward good behavior. Instead of time-outs or yelling, “gentle” parents have conversations with their kids that set expectations and explain why certain behaviors are not allowed.
“Gentle parenting is about taking a pause as a parent and, instead of yelling or screaming, you’re trying to help your kids understand what is happening,” pediatrician Dr. Karen Estrella explained to Cleveland Clinic.
“It can be challenging for parents because when conflict happens, you’re angry and you want to respond right away,” she said.
For some, the technique is a non-starter.
Recently, one woman posted in an online Reddit forum that her sister’s family is banned from her home because of “gentle parenting.” According to the anonymous Redditor, the sister exhibited “zero discipline.”
“During the first two days of their stay, her daughter drew on my walls with crayon,” the user wrote online. “And her son pulled up flowers I had recently planted in my garden bed and threw a rock at my car parked in the driveway.”
“To top it all off,” she added, “they both kept constantly pulling my golden retriever’s hair and hitting my dog in the face.”
