You want fries with that?
The answer, my dudes, is a resounding, all-caps YES, as perhaps no single comfort food is more celebrated than the French fry, a humble marriage of starch and fat, crunch and salt.
Not even the revelation that eating fried potatoes increases anxiety and depression can dissuade us.
Ever built for excess, Americans consume, on average, 30 pounds of French fries per person per year, and a quarter of all potatoes eaten in our fair, stolen lands are taken in the form of the fry.
McDonald’s with its gilded arches, glorious trans fats and hands in the fries workforce, is the world’s top purveyor of French fries, dealing and doling a reported nine million pounds of them every day.
In honor of this most hallowed junk food, we take to the drive-throughs, diners, frozen food aisles and restaurants to celebrate National French Fry Day on Friday July 12, 2024.
It’s no coincidence that this homage to comfort food comes in the watery heart of Cancer season, the sign most associated with eating their feelings and carbohydrates as self-care (Taurus is a close second.)
Curiously, the French fry, by most accounts, did not originate in France at all. American soldiers serving in Belgium during World War I got a taste of, and for, Belgian potato fries, or frites as it were, and because French was the official language of the Belgian Army, theory holds US servicemen christened them “French” fries.
What kind of french fry aligns with your zodiac sign? Read on to learn more.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Shoestring fries
Aries is my choice for shoestring fries as the width and length of these potatoes serve as a metaphor for the notoriously short fuse of this cardinal fire sign.
Add to it that Aries folk, for all their faults, exhibit no snobbery and never shy away from junk, kitsch, or a Midwest casserole topped with packaged fried potatoes, and for this, we celebrate them.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Truffle fries
Taurus worships, nipples out, coins in hand, at the honeyed altar of decadence.
Rulers of the second house of wealth and worth, if they can get, or make it extra rich, they’re in.
Enter the truffle fry. Like a first-class seat, extra guac, flowers in the guest room, and gold leaf on your birthday cake, this fancy AF French fry variety is at once absolutely unnecessary and absolutely worth it.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Curly fries
Gemini is a curly fry because it’s as hard to get a straight answer out of them as it is to get a straight line out of this fry.
Analogous to the Gemini disposition, at their deep-fried zenith, curly fries are a salty, satisfying novelty and at their tepid fairground rock bottom, an inconsistent mess.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Cheese fries
Cancers don’t mind cheese baby, whether it’s a healthy tide of government cheddar or the Nicholas Sparks oeuvre.
Cancer likes their food with a side of nostalgia, and cheese fries call to mind simpler times, richer memories, and the caloric abandon of youth.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Boardwalk fries
Leo is the McDonald’s of the zodiac, and while they love a popularity contest, their true spirit speaks not to the mass-produced potato but to the summertime staple of the Boardwalk fry.
Leo rules over the fifth house of pleasure and play, the domain of carnivals and carousels, Ferris wheels and boardwalks, built for a good time and a fast getaway.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Crinkle cut fries
Ever in pursuit of efficiency and the ghost ship of perfection Virgo is the crinkle-cut fry of the zodiac.
With their crystal visions of how things could be improved, Virgos exist (in their own minds) as just a little bit better, a touch more refined, and a whole lot more streamlined than the rest of us.
In kind, this fry’s crinkle cut enhances crispiness and leaves more space for dips and flavor dustings to settle.
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
- Here’s which beer embodies your zodiac sign
- What kind of pizza are you based on your zodiac sign?
- What wine are you based on your zodiac sign?
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Pommes soufflées
Libra is ruled by Venus, planet of finery. Libras are naturally drawn to the beautiful, symmetrical, expensive, and exquisite, even and especially when it is out of reach, financially or otherwise.
I know a Libra who chose to purchase a sheepskin accent rug over paying their phone bill on time. Priorities, dig?
For these reasons, Libra is the pomme soufflée of french fries, fancy on purpose and without apology.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Steak fries
Scorpio is the steak fry of the zodiac as they are tougher to get through than other varietals and usually require a double fry to reach peak exterior crunch and fluffy center.
Analogous to this, it takes at least twice as long for a Scorpio to warm up to a stranger, and though they are loathe to admit it, inside every one of them lives a soft center crying out for love, acceptance, and aioli.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Chili cheese fries
A mutable fire sign, Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, planet of expansion and excess, good luck, and living fast and loose.
There is perhaps no incarnation of potato that represents these energies more than the gout as your guide, eat it if you dare, roll the dice on indigestion, take fate into your hands and gullet holy trinity of chili cheese fries.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Tater tots
Capricorn means business and lives by a waste not want not, get rich or die trying approach to money and food scraps.
As Eater deftly notes, “the tater tot is American ingenuity at it’s finest.”
An enterprising answer to excess the tater tot was born from the potato debris left behind from frozen French fries.
Sorted, shaped, baked, or fried, from duck confit Irish nachos in high-end restaurants to the plastic expanse of the school lunch tray, the tater tot, like its zodiac equivalent, is a workhorse spud.
Add to it that Capricorn is the uncontested daddy of the zodiac, and tater tots are its starched and obedient offspring.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Waffle fries
Aquarians are a surprising people. Ruled by structured Saturn and punk rock Aquarius they go against the grain and the plebeian stream.
Enter the waffle fry, whose means of making are blowing minds with the kind of technology water bearers trade in, mandolin magic, and mechanical poetry in motion.
Add to the mix that the waffle fry is the signature starch of Chik-Fil-A, our pick for the most Aquarian fast food restaurant.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Sweet potato fries
Ruled by dreamy planet Neptune and made of existential water stuffs, Pisces is the care bear of the zodiac until they’re pushed to the brink of disassociation and their (serial) killer instincts kick in.
By and large, though, these folk are the metaphorical equivalent of a sweet potato fry, orange of aura with a little extra sugar in their selfhood.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon, and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience.
