Here's your ideal side hustle based on your zodiac sign

While the J.Lo sentiment that “Love Don’t Cost A Thing” may be true, unfortunately pretty much everything else does.

On the heels of the COVID-19 global pandemic, millions of Americans are struggling from debt after record-breaking unemployment levels. In March 2022, the New York State state Labor Department put the city’s seasonally adjusted unemployment rate at 7.6%, the worst of any New York metro area and nearly double the national average of 4%.

To make matters even worse, a report produced by One Poll and Santander UK according to the South West News Service speaks to the increased cost of living, revealing, “83 percent of adults already reported a rise in their household costs in March 2022.” And sadly many are not properly prepared to handle the financial responsibilities that come with adulthood, leading to financial distress. A study the Centre for Social Justice (CSJ) “found 68 percent of adults believe their lack of financial education as a child has caused problems in later life.”

To that end, Santander UK is working with ambassadors Ant McPartlin and Declan Donnelly to launch a new financial education program The Numbers Game, created in partnership with educational publisher, Twinkl, in the hopes that early financial education will translate to fiscal security and minimal debt in adulthood.

“Research has shown how vital it is to have the right resources available for children and young people,” McPartlin said. Added Donnelly, “There’s no better place to start learning about how to handle your finances than at school and hopefully this campaign can really make a difference to young people.”

For those of us that came of age before financial literacy was championed, we have debt baby, with a wide swath of the population owing money to banks, universities, credit card collectors, step-parents, ex-wives and more.. Ever an enterprising nation, a remarkable amount of Americans have taken to nurturing ‘side hustles’ to varying degrees of success. From slinging French baguettes to bracelets, many people that started businesses during the bleak days of COVID have transitioned to making their part time fully lucrative like this travel blogger.

While the zodiac signs can be good, bad, ugly and embezzling when it comes to money, there is a side hustle to suit each star sign, guaranteed to bring you dollars and a sense of peace. Read on to learn more.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Uber/Lyft driver

As the first born and least patient sign in the zodiac, Aries thrive when they can be on the move, in control and reasonably justify the purchase of fingerless leather gloves. Thrill seeking with poor impulse control, driving affords spontaneity in work hours, the chance to interact with a revolving car door of characters and best of all, increases their odds of having sex in backseats and gas station bathrooms. Wins all around.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

AirBnB Host

Ruled as they are by Venus, planet of love and aesthetics, and partial as they are to their own pastures, Taurus makes for an ideal AirBnB host. This from home hustle gives bulls free reign to invest in interior design and the chance to meet new people without ever having to cross a property line. A Taurus understands what it means to be comfortable and how to provide comfort as a service. With a few throw pillows and a dimmer switch, bulls can easily make a basement bougie, a shed into sanctuary and a lean to lean towards luxurious.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Calligraphy

Gemini rules the third house of communication and exchange, making the spoken, posted or written word the unrivaled domain of this mutable air sign and calligraphy a perfectly suitable side business. Once the hallowed hustle of ladies and gentlemen, Meghan Markle, the art of calligraphy, with its consuming repetition and attention to detail is soothing to the anxious mind and restless disposition of a Gemini.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Crochet

Cancer rules the fourth house of home and ancestry and crabs live to lend others the feeling of cozy contentment. Crocheting gives them direction for their angst, wholesome use of a potentially deadly weapon and something soft to trade in. Along the same line, I suspect this woman, who made a small fortune creating custom candy hearts, has a prominent Cancer placement or two.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Tutor

Leos love a stage, a platform, a podium or any other position that promises they will be listened to with rapt attention and abject admiration. Lions live to give unsolicited advice to children and truly shine when in the service of elevating others. These qualities make them ideal tutors, shaping impressionable minds and improving standardized test scores the world over.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Forager

Virgo folk prefer to be left alone and can’t help but judge what is valuable from what is expendable. The eagle eye and sharpened judgement of Virgo find a welcome and lucrative place to flourish in foraging. Whether picking through mushrooms, bitter dandelion greens or other wild edibles, Virgos can feed themselves and sell what’s left to like minds, a perfect pairing.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Closet Organizer / Personal Shopper

Libra is ruled by Venus, planet of beauty and image, making closet organization a wonderful way for the people of the scales and balances to employ their aesthetic expertise. While they struggle to make decisions for themselves, Libra is adept at deigning what to keep and what to eschew in the collections of others. Kim Kardashian, an avowed clothes horse, and one of the world’s most famous Libras got her start organizing the closets of her famous platinum pal Paris Hilton.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Secret Shopper

Being a secret shopper allows Scorpio to get paid for the arts they have already mastered; mainly perception, deception, discernment and ultimate judgement. Double score if these folks can write off costumes and disguises worn while ‘in the field’ as a tax deductible work expense.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Audiobook narrator

Sagittarians, with their deep love for adventure, debate and moral lessons, make for natural storytellers. This, coupled with the fact that I’ve never met a Sagittarius that didn’t love the sound of their own voice, makes audiobook narration the perfect side hustle for an archer. All the better if the subject of the book is philosophy, law, pagan fertility rites, games of chance, Psilocybin or the biographies of fellow archers like Noam Chomsky and Nicki Minaj.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Catering/artisanal edibles

An iron fist, an elevated palette and a preference for utility fashion make Capricorn the right fit for a secondary career in catering or small batch edible goods. Sea goats understand the importance of quality and prefer things that last, so a line of sauerkraut, pickles, gin inspired by the flavor profile of Rasputin’s pickled phallus or other fermented, long shelf life items would be utterly apropos.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Dog walker

A fixed air sign, Aquarians have a habit of being in their heads rather than fully present in their bodies. Professional dog walking affords water bearers the chance to put their feet on the ground and practice their experimental canine cognition therapy through a patented brand of low frequency sounds, coded blinks and Syndarin commands.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Onlyfans

Pisces love to be loved and recognize more than most that sexuality is not a point of shame but a balm for healing. Why not monetize that medicine through a niche account that caters to your proclivities. Pisces are rulers of the feet (often posses pretty toes) and can cry on command so pedicure perverts and tear enthusiasts make for easy marks/potential benefactors.

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.