All hail the handheld.
On September 18th we celebrate National Cheeseburger Day when we, the divided denizens of the United States, can come together, like two halves of the same sesame bun, to raise a sodium-swollen fist in appreciation of this glorious marriage of meat and cheese.
The history of the humble hamburger begins where all roads lead, ancient Rome.
Allegedly those tit-out, war-mongering toga wearers were keen on a minced meat dish prepared with pine punts, pepper, wine, and garum. Several centuries and a few conquests later, the Mongols of the steppe tenderized thick slabs of meat by placing them under their saddles to soften during the day’s ride.
In 18th century London, Hannah Glasse published “The Art of Cookery” which defined a “Hamburg sausage” as seasoned ground beef served on toast. Here in the tea-torching, dissenting colonies, the meat grinder was patented around the same time. Then, in the fabled summer of 1885 two different men at two different US county fairs claimed to have invented the hamburger as we know it.
Beef about beef from the jump, folks.
Just as there is a dessert, ice cream flavor, dog, cat, and sex toy for each zodiac sign, so too is there a burger. Read on and chow down.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
The Burger King Whopper
Aries is competitive cardinal fire and the first sign in the zodiac.
In kind, the Whopper is a deluxe flame-broiled testament to wanting to be best and first.
The cardinal energy of Aries is initiatory and inspiring and rightfully, the release of the Whopper heralded in a wave of deluxe competitors including the Big Mac.
Aries folk love a practical joke and rank patience as their least practiced virtue, qualities made manifest in the iconic BK PR stunt “Whopper Freakout.”
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Gold standard burger
Taurus folk are unapologetically bad and bougie; they’re here for the earthly delights, the extra cheese and the hotel room upgrade.
The burger embodiment of their ‘indulgence is my birthright’ MO is the $700 Gold Standard burger at DBG in Center City, Philadelphia.
A meat masterpiece of A5 Wagyu beef, caviar, truffle, and lobster flambeed with Louis XIII cognac, gold leaf and Wexford-aged Irish cheddar, the Gold Standard is served with Manuka Honey drizzled french fries and a side of gout.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Triple Bypass Burger
Gemini is symbolized by the mythical twins Castor and Pollux who represent the duality present in all people. There is perhaps no more fitting example of swinging betwixt polarities than the career trajectory of Jon Basso, owner of Las Vegas, Nevada’s infamous Heart Attack Grill.
Basso began his career as a personal trainer and owner/operator of a string of Jenny Craig weight loss centers before flipping the script and embracing caloric abandon with his infamous restaurant.
Geminis are known for courting controversy, going to extremes, and shooting off at the mouth and The Triple Bypass Burger has been the source of hot debate, costly litigation, sudden deaths and wagging tongues.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
The Shackburger
Cancer rules the fourth house of home and root systems and as such natives display an acute and rose-colored longing for the past.
The Shackburger, the cult offering of Danny Meyer’s beloved Shake Shack draws inspiration from 1950’s roadside burger stands and classic Americana, and seeks to connect the consumer of today to the flavor profiles of yore.
Paper wrapping, made-from-scratch mayo, American cheese, wholesome meat, and a potato bun conspire to inspire nostalgia in every bite.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Big Mac
Lions hate to come in second place and The Big Mac was invented by a Pennsylvania bred Leo by the name of Jim Delligatti who was inspired to add the item to his franchise menu by sheer virtue of competition.
Leo is the sign of blue blood, first place and royalty. In-kind, The Big Mac had two previous names, the Aristocrat and the Blue Ribbon Burger.
Big cats are big on living large and The Big Mac is oft employed as a symbol of capitalism and American-born decadence.
Leos are bound and determined to be special and feel special and this burger proves the point with its signature sauce and perennial popularity.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
White Castle burger
Virgos are often and unduly described as precious and particular squares that are uptight about cleanliness and judgmental about most everything else.
While I wholly disagree with this assessment/condemnation, it finds its burger embodiment in the square patty of White Castle.
First opened in Wichita, Kansas in 1921, according to Time, White Castle, with its alabaster facilities and windows that offered kitchen views, has always emphasized cleanliness.
The company adopted this business model in response to Virgo writer Upton Sinclair’s meatpacking horror show “The Jungle,” attempting to turn public opinion around on the unsanitary aspects of ground beef.
Existing solely to prove a point while turning a profit? Pure Virgo.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Ray’s Hell Burger
Rulers of the seventh house of partnership, contracts, legal bindings, handshakes and hand jobs, Libra is the uncontested diplomat of the zodiac.
In kind, Ray’s Hell Burger has played host to all sorts of policy negotiations and political compromises, most notably betwixt former presidents Barrack Obama and Dmitry Medvedev.
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
- Here’s which beer embodies your zodiac sign
- What kind of pizza are you based on your zodiac sign?
- What wine are you based on your zodiac sign?
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Ju(i)cy Lucy
Minneapolis’s famed Juicy or Jucy Lucy burger comes correct with both controversy and a consumption warning.
Like a Scorpio, the burger’s best part, a molten cheese core, is both buried and borderline dangerous. As waitresses warn, ““Give it a little time before you bite.
Or it’ll bite back.”Scorpio rules the eighth house of secrets, the clandestine and other people’s money, and natives are professional when it comes to grudge holding.
True to form the origins of the famed burger are a source of enduring debate and a fifty-year feud between two Twin City burger joints.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
The Ramen Burger
Sagittarius ruled the ninth house of travel, philosophy, and expansion, the domain of riches, open minds and the open road. In kind, the Ramen Burger, a hybridization of Japanese and American culinary staples was invented by Keizo Shimamoto a former computer programmer turned cult food creator.
So lauded was the noodle bunned burger that devotees and curious noobs traveled far distances and braved hours of long lines for a taste of Shimamoto’s new frontier.
To boot, or arrow, the Ramen Burger counts among its avowed and vocal fans Sagittarius Chrissy Teigen.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
In-N-Out Burger
Capricorn stands for uncompromising excellence and if not popularity at least overarching success.
In addition, sea goats are ruled by Saturn, planet of restriction. Enter the hallowed In-N-Out Burger.
A favorite of celebrity chefs like Julia Child, Anthony Bourdain, Thomas Keller and Gordon Ramsay, the company has remained true to its ethos for more than 75 years.
Refusing to yield to demands for more at the cost of quality, In-N-Out Burger embodies the Capricorn spirit. Capricorn rules the tenth house of legacy and In-N-Out Burger has been owned and maintained by the same family since its inception.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Superiority Burger
Big picture thinkers, long on vision and short on empathy, Aquarius folks often struggle with feeling apart from, if not altogether better than, their fellow man.
Enter the Superiority Burger, a quinoa-based plant patty that makes no secret of its self-aggrandizing.
True to the cult leader charisma of Aquarius, the Superiority Burger has galvanized the meat-eating masses who wait in line for hours on end to share a table with it.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Beyond Burger
Pisces is ruled by Neptune, planet of dreams and delusions and Ethan Brown, the redheaded CEO behind Beyond Burger dared to dream the dream of vegan fast food and a plant-based revolution that would benefit both the earth and the human bodies that walk upon it.
While results have been mixed and company executives have been fired for nose biting and road rage, the Beyond Burger remains a symbol of what is possible when limits are stretched and fantasy is made food.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon, and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a birth chart reading, contact her via her website.
