Which deceased bloodsucking soul is a dead ringer for your zodiac sign?
Ever since Bram Stoker, the syphilitic Irish genius that he was, put his immortal touch on the story of enemy impaling Romanian nobleman Vlad Dracul, we as audiences have been lining up and lapping up the blood lust.
Hot-bodied and cold-blooded, vampires have nothing but time to kill and people to eat.
Ever since Bram Stoker, syphilitic Irish genius that he was, put his immortal touch on the story of enemy impaling Romanian nobleman Vlad Dracul, we as audiences have been lining up and lapping up the blood lust.
Full disclosure, as a child I kept my bedroom window ajar even in winter in the doomed hope that a vampire would be kind enough to swap blood and deliver me into the sunset glory of eternal life. And by as a child, I mean up every day of my adult life.
In this spirit, aspiring vampires, fang bangers, recovering goths, and Sanguinarians alike rejoice! We bring you the ultimate list of thirst traps, a round-up of the vampires that best align with each zodiac sign.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Blade
The opening sequence of “Blade” finds us in the native dreamscape of the average Aries; a secret entrance in a meat locker opens into a techno-thumping, body-grinding rave complete with blood sprinklers.
Our hybrid hero, played by ‘not ever to be f***ed with’ Wesley Snipes emerges, dressed in pseudo fetish black and down to righteously kill his own kind and defend the innocent.
In outfit, outlook, and tagline (The power of an immortal. The soul of a human. The heart of a hero), Blade is Aries energy incarnate. Honorable mention goes to short stacked, blood drinking, bully dismembering ride or die Eli, of “Let the Right One In.”
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Laszlo Cravensworth
Sensual at best and insatiable at worst, the average Taurus, like Laszlo Cravensworth of “What We Do in the Shadows,” prefers things posh and is primarily motivated by feeding and f***ing.
Played by real life bull Matt Berry, Laszlo exhibits other hallmarks of the Taurus archetype, including a flair for garden design (his topiaries are tributes to the genitalia of his lovers) self-righteous pride (he claims to have invented Disco) and obstinate refusal (to believe his witch skin hat is cursed.) Defiant about flair and chock full of delusions of grandeur? Taurus in total.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Miriam Blaylock
When it comes to breakups, Geminis are masters of the slow fade, making sure they have a potential lover waiting in the wings before cutting loose their current flame.
Geminis are also predisposed to graying the truth and keeping their exes on the proverbial hook or in literal coffins in the attack.
This dating, mating, and interring strategy is favored by Catherine Deneuve as Miriam Blaylock in the sex heavy, goth pandering classic, “The Hunger.” Gemini rules language and by association the hallowed realm of social media, in kind an in its abject awfulness, Jared Leto’s “Morbius” has become meme gold and takes the silver for Gemini vampires.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Queen Akasha
In astrology, Cancer is ruled by the moon and associated with the archetype of the mother.
Enter Akasha, better known as Queen of the Damned, the crop top rocking, moonlit mother of all vampires. Brought to life in the eponymous film by the late, great, Aaliyah, Akasha, like the average Cancer disguises herself beneath a hard shell and harbors a bottomless desire for devotion.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
The Countess
Given the choice, the average Leo would absolutely spend eternity in the penthouse suite of a hotel. Consider The Countess, an “American Horror Story” fan favorite, who is based on peasant killing real life Leo Elizabeth Báthory.
Big into starring in blood orgies and looking glamorous, Lady Gaga’s Countess is depraved, decadent and deeply leonine.
Gone unchecked, Leos are prone to god complexes and The Countess is no exception, kidnapping a small army of blonde haired children and turning them into vampires in her own pale image. In true Leo form, her undead mirror children only her second best accessory, top billing going to her iconic, cat clawed, crystal embellished murder glove. Meow.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Count von Count
Virgo rules the sixth house of service, a domain that includes small pets and Count von Count’s castle is home to his “children” myriad petit beasts including wolves, bats and a cat named Fatatita.
Virgos are a particular and obsessive lot and the Count counts himself among them, living for the thrill of roll calling numbers.
Virgos are low key libidinous and the count is never without a consort. This earth sign is terminally underrated and as GQ sagely attests, “Count Von Count has done more for our societal provision for education than the past three governments combined, and for that, he has earned our everlasting respect.”
Virgo is symbolized by the virgin and Virgo vamp runner up is Claudia from “The Vampire Chronicles” an eternal and vengeful virgin, whose birthdate in the books is given as September 21.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Louis Dupoint du Lac
The late great author Anne Rice assigned October 4, her own birthday to Louis de Pointe du Lac, the character she most identified with.
Libra is the sign of partnership and natives require the activating force of another person. In short, Libras don’t make things happen, they respond to what happens to them. We see this modality alive and undead in Louis, whose journey is precipitated by Lestat turning him into a vampire. Balance seeking and ideal chasing, Libras are terminally unsatisfied. Runner up for Libra vamp champ is Bill Compton; same brooding, morally afflicted vibe, different vampire
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Lestat de Lioncourt
Author Anne Rice gave Lestat the birthday of November 7, the same date as her Scorpio husband Stan.
Brilliant, sarcastic, obsessive, sexy AF and violently jealous but deep down looking for true intimacy and forever love, Lestat is a veritable mix of the highs and lows of Scorpio nature.
Runner up is bleached hair, blood daddy Spike from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” who despite being killed off in the series finale, was resurrected for the questionable spin off “Angel” and now lives on in the hearts and sexual fantasies of fans everywhere. Dead but still hot, very Scorpio indeed.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Eve
In Jim Jarmusch’s impossibly cool, epically soundtracked “Only Lovers Left Alive,” Tilda Swinton plays Eve to Tom Hiddleston’s Adam. Sagittarius folk value their personal freedom and the two play a couple that choose to live worlds apart, Eve in the decidedly more vivid world of Tangiers and with the decidedly less depressing hobby of reading books and wearing embellished clothing vs. Adam’s penchant for bemoaning in all black.
Known for their ceaseless, sunny side up even when the sun causes you to burst into flames, optimism, it takes a Sag like Eve to convince the ennui afflicted Adam that immoral life is worth living.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Eric Northman
In a strategy in keeping with the Capricorn spirit, upon first glance, “True Blood’s” Eric appears as cold as the Nordic climes from which he hails. Yet, as the series progresses it becomes increasingly clear that our dude does have emotions he just keeps them under control until he can leverage them to his own advantage.
Capricorns are built to endure and Eric Northman is one of the last vamps standing at the end of the show, he not only cures himself of the Hep-V virus but goes on to run an enterprise called New Blood, big time, big money, big capitalizing sea goat energy.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Selene
Caught between two worlds and oft left out of both, Selene is the quintessential outlander and a prototypical water bearer. Aquarius stands between the old guard and the new world order, and in her BDSM super hero outfit, Kate Beckinsale’s Selene questions everything that was and fights to protect everything that might be.
Honorable mention goes to “A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night,” as Aquarius rules the eleventh house of community and the film was funded through crowd sourcing and the female protagonist harnesses the water bearers proprietary blend of skateboarding, lonely loner and off kilter humanitarian.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Edward Cullen
Sparkly, fairy tale skin, reckless driving habits, and a diehard romanticism that includes telling his lady love that her blood “sings” to him, our boy Edward Cullen is pure Pisces. There’s something of a wet eyed, sulking perpetual teenager in every Pisces and true to form, Edward is destined/doomed to be seventeen for eternity. Runner up is David Bowie as John “Forever and ever” Blaylock in “The Hunger.”
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon, and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
