It’s the most wonderful, commercial, triggering and obligatory time of the year when sleigh bells ring, eggnog slings and holiday classics get their moment in the sun … or softly falling snow, as it were.
Some things change — yuletide aesthetics are reportedly swinging back from minimalist purgatory to garish glory, and the saccharine, soft-light peddlers at the Lifetime network are at long last airing a Christmas movie with a sex scene.
But some things remain the same, like our steadfast allegiance to and consumption of holiday movies of yore. With their easy laughs and tinseled moral lessons, Christmas movies provide both aspirations and escape.
In honor of that twin delivery and the spirit of this stunning “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” Cousin Eddie lawn homage, we bring you a list of the zodiac signs as characters from classic Christmas movies.
Read on, tune in and jingle your bells.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Willie T. Soke, “Bad Santa”
For all of their bluster and bluntness, Aries natives are never as tough or terrible as they would have you believe.
Aries is anti-hero energy incarnate, and no anti-hero is more Aries than Willie T. Soke, played with aplomb by Billy Bob Thornton. Big on personality and falling short of even basic impulse control, the hard-drinking, chain-smoking, profanity-spewing, mall-robbing, badass Santa Claus has a pickled heart of fool’s gold and proves his cardinal fire power and unconventional morality in his refusal to rob the defenseless, abandon the parentless or abide the bullying of the powerless.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Ralphie, “A Christmas Story”
Taurus rules the second house of self-worth and material possessions, and as a fixed earth sign natives often struggle with a stubborn steak and a single-minded agenda.
Enter Ralphie, the materialistic horn-dog protagonist of “A Christmas Story.” Who but a greed-is-good, excess-is-best Taurus would describe Christmas morning as plunging “into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice”?
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Snow Miser, “A Year Without Santa Clause”
A smooth-talking agent type and one-half of a pair of iconic brothers, Snow Miser is pure Gemini.
Famously fickle, it tracks that a Gemini would control the weather, prone as they are to hot and cold behavior patterns and freezing people out/leaving lovers unread for sport. Peddling puns and cracking jokes, Snow Miser speaks loud and clear to the coyote spirit and ready-for-flight ethos of his sign with the declaration, “If I can’t have a little fun, I might as well leave.”
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Lovestruck stalker Mark, “Love Actually”
Ruled by the moody moon and tied to feelings of home and family, Cancer is famously emo, but their wellspring of emotions does not always equate to the ability to address and express these feelings.
In fact, this sign is famous for putting up defenses and being standoffish or even rude to the people for whom they harbor romantic feelings — real deal “let me be mean to you because I am obsessed with you” energy.
Enter Mark (Andrew Lincoln), the king of closeups and cold shoulders who professes his love to Keira Knightley’s Juliet by standing like a sad boy in the street and holding up flash cards.
Spell what you can’t bear to speak, brother.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Krampus, “Krampus”
Leo represents the sacred act of play, the child within and, by proxy, the unconquerable hope of a merry and bright holiday season.
When hope fails and that spirit proves corruptible, out comes Krampus. A darker expression of the Leo archetype, this yuletide demon leans big into pageantry and shock value (hallowed be thy name), punishing those that fail to revel to his standard.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Charlie Brown, “A Charlie Brown Christmas”
Our shuffling, hunter-hatted, heavy-hearted Charlie Brown is a classic Virgo: sarcastic and anxious with a sweet streak and a deep fear of not being good enough.
Blessed be this mutable earth sign, always able to see the potential in all things and all people, even an anemic Christmas tree and Lucy Van Pelt. Virgo is associated with temple worship, pruning and purification.
For half a century, Charlie and the gang have helped keep the true spirit of Christmas alive.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
The Ghost of Christmas Future, “A Christmas Carol”
Libra is represented by the scales and balances of justice, and Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” was born from the author’s outrage at the treatment of the poor in his native England, both in shoddy public schools and the grim tin mines that relied on child labor.
Dickens intended to turn his observations into a political pamphlet, working title “An Appeal to the People of England, on behalf of the Poor Man’s Child.” Recognizing that moral lessons are best delivered in appealing packaging (very Venusian), he instead published “A Christmas Carol,” which gave voice to his concerns about poverty and social injustice.
In the illustrated novella-turned-nymerous-movies, the spooky, skeleton fingers of The Ghost of Christmas Future speak to the need to right the scales of our humanity before the swift justice of death takes its toll.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Sally, “A Nightmare Before Christmas”
A classic Scorpio, the secretive sort with oceanic depth and no limit to the lengths she will go, Sally has a hard time revealing her love-struck feels to alluring extremist Jack Skellington — but shows no hesitation in poisoning her maker with nightshade.
Scorpios are aces at resourcefulness and personal resurrection and Sally is no exception, literally stitching herself back together after a daring escape. The affinity between Sally and Scorpios is perhaps best distilled in her singing a doomed love ballad to an audience of one single cat.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Yukon Cornelius, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”
Sagittarius is represented by the arrow-wielding, experience-hunting centaur — and Yukon Cornelius is an orally fixated redhead seeking riches at the farthest reaches. Same same but different.
Ruled by Jupiter, the planet of expansion and abundance, luck tends to ride shotgun for Sag folk and Yukon is no exception, hitting pay dirt and “Hallelujah!” via peppermint gold at the end of the film.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”
In astrology, Capricorn represents the archetype of the father, and never has there been a better unhinged holiday daddy (holi-daddy?) than Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold in “National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.”
Capricorns are big on tradition and consistency and Clark’s obsession with decking the halls to spec and having the “hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f–king Kaye” leads him egregiously astray before walking him back, bonus in hand (Cap stuff), cat dead and Santa’s slay aflame, to the true meaning of the holiday.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Kevin McCallister, “Home Alone”
Aquarius is the sign of the innovator, the revolutionary and the unrepentant individualist.
Self-reliant and cerebral, water bearers are more logical than emotional and, like “Home Alone” legend Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin), would welcome the chance to spend the holidays isolated, without guilt, shame, company or obligation, eating ice cream, talking to themselves and outsmarting any hapless baddies that come for their castle.
Rolling solo while proving themselves superior? A Christmas wish come true.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Buddy the Elf, “Elf”
Indomitably effervescent, Buddy the Elf is the quintessential Pisces. Living and loving out loud with an endearing and unhinged sense of whimsy, his spirit and that of all fish folk is made manifest in his breakfast pasta, covered in maple syrup, cereal, Pop Tarts, hope, marshmallows, cheer, candy and inextinguishable enthusiasm.
For further evidence of the delightfully delusional, rose-colored romantic vibe of Buddy and, by proxy, most Pisceans, I bring you his schedule for Tuesday: “I planned out our whole day. First, we make snow angels for two hours, and then we’ll go ice skating, and then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookie Dough as fast as we can, and then to finish, we’ll snuggle.”
Bonus for all zodiac signs: Because we deserve nice things, Chicago diner Miss Ricky’s offers an “Elf” inspired Spaghetti Sundae during the holiday season.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
