Gather round we’re talking “Tortured Poets.”
T Swift’s eleventh studio album (and surprise double album) was delivered unto us last week and while the reviews have been an extreme mix, the fanfare is without equal.
The Post’s Chuck Arnold writes, “There is plenty of “Bad Blood” spilled on Swift’s latest. And with the raw honesty and specificity of her lyrics, she is clearly in her ‘IDGAF’ era.”
Her ‘TTPD,’ era sees Swift take aim at exes and enemies Kim Kardashian, Matt Healy and stand-out British sad boy, ladies and gentlemen Joe Alwyn.
Page Six’s Nicholas Hautman writes, “At times, Swift, 34, roasts Alwyn, 33, mercilessly. She says he failed to ‘measure up’ to ‘any measure of a man’ on the blistering ‘The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived,’…while the epically titled ‘My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys’ sees him childishly destroying the sand castle of which she’s queen.”
Elsewhere on the album, the queen of crushed castles stans for Charlie Puth and guns for John Mayer while sparing Jake Gyllenhall (can’t you hear him exhaling the exhale to end all exhales?)
In honor of Miss Americana’s latest opus, we’re taking a look at the astrology of torture. Fun fact; the album itself is an Aries, having been born into the world just after midnight on April 19, 2K24 amid a mighty Mercury retrograde in the same cardinal fire sign when the exhumation and in this case immolation of exes is at its peak.
Read on to see what ‘TTPD’ song sings to the spirit of your zodiac sign.
guilty as sin lyrics
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
“thanK you aIMee”
There is nothing subtle about Aries nor about this dis track which INCLUDES THE NAME OF ITS TARGET IN THE TITLE. We see you out here with the all-caps Tay Tay. As first born, first blood, Aries energy goes for the jugular, and “thanK you aIMee” is laying blame, calling names, screaming at the sky, and ruthlessly bringing kids and moms into the fray.
Gloves off and nary a f–k to be found.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
“Clara Bow” and/or “Guilty as Sin”
Ruled by Venus, the planet of love and aesthetics, Taurus lords over the second house of wealth and worth. Swift pays tribute to the entitled toddler energy of the sign with the lyrics, “Beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours / Demanding more.”
Bulls have a reputation for being staunchly loyal but they’re also a horned and horny contingent prone to imagining infidelity even if they are too lazy to commit to the follow-through, a vibe distilled in “Guilty As Sin.” The song also makes mention of a hedge maze, the OG pasture/prison of the mythical, Taurus adjacent minotaur.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
“imgonnagetyouback”
Gemini energy is, in essence, a run-on sentence and this track listing is curiously free of spaces and proper grammar. The song’s chorus, “Whether I’m gonna be your wife or / Gonna smash up your bike, I haven’t decided yet / But I’m gonna get you back / Whether I’m gonna curse you out or / Take you back to my house, I haven’t decidеd yet / But I’m gonna get you back,” evokes the Gemini propensity to waffle between options and swing wildly betwixt affection and aversion in romantic dynamics.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
“Fortnight”
Featuring a cameo from Cancer king Post Malone and a nostalgic black and white video that includes a rain storm, a telephone booth, matching tats, unnecessarily thin eyebrows, period clothing, and twin typewriters that release pastel fumes that mate above a weird office scape, this s–t could only belong to the crab contingent.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
“I Can Do It With a Broken Heart”
The Leo archetype finds its roar in “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart.” As the sign of the stage, lions maintain a ‘show must go on,’ approach to life, even and perhaps especially when they are emotionally gutted.
There’s a deep part of all of them that romanticizes heartache as it brings out their cheekbones and makes it easier to cry on command.
Swift sings, “Lights, camera bitch smile / even when you want to die…All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, ‘More!’”
Nothing like a round of applause to remind you that the love of the masses can be a sweet substitute for the love of a person who matters.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
“I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”
Virgo is the romantic underachiever of the zodiac. Born to love a loser/fixer-upper they slum it in relationships under the auspices of recognizing raw potential. This mutable earth finds common ground in Swift’s lyrics, “They shake their heads, saying, ‘God help her’ when I tell ‘em he’s my man/But your good Lord doesn’t need to lift a finger / I can fix him, no really I can.”
The only difference between a challenge and a lost cause is the Virgo pushing the agenda, folks.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
“The Manuscript”
Libras lays claim to “The Manuscript” based solely on the suggestion that the song was inspired by sleepy-eyed, disheveled-haired, Libra f–k boy extraordinaire John Mayer. Complete with a ghastly pickup line and references to French press coffee and slow dances this one is real deal Venusian discharge.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
“How Did It End”
Scorpio is ruled by Pluto, planet of death and other endings. As such, natives tend towards the dramatic and the maudlin; gothic font, sad piano ballads, black lace, and dried flowers.
Enter “How Did It End,” an indulgent eulogy for lost love, “Say it once again with feeling / How the death rattle breathing / Silenced as the soul was leaving / The deflation of our dreaming / Leaving me bereft and reeling / My beloved ghost and me / Sitting in a tree / D-Y-I-N-G.”
Spelling death to the tune of a nursery rhyme? Pure scorned Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
“So High School”
Sagittarius is the sign of high minds, low brows, open roads, and eternal optimism. Enter “So High School” a song that celebrates the new flush of a fresh crush and lgetting it on in a back seat.
Swift, a Sagittarius sun, sings about her new relationship with Travis Kelce, a Sag moon, complete with humble bragging about understanding Aristotle while watching ‘American Pie’ (eye roll), easy laughs, sweet exchanges and getting felt up while playing ‘Grand Theft Auto.’
You do you, kids, stay in the game.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
“The Alchemy”
Swift exhibits the gladiatorial, first place is the only place spirit of her Capricorn stellium in “The Alchemy,” yet another song about ball-playing Bromeo ladies and gentlemen Travis Kelce. “So when I touch down / Call the amateurs and cut ’em from the team / Ditch the clowns, get the crown /Baby, I’m the one to beat.”
Touchdowns? Crowns? Trophies? Sea GOAT swagger? It’s the sonic equivalent of a keg stand on the 50-yard line.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
“Down Bad”
Hot take; “Down Bad” is better if you imagine the song is about T. Swift f—ing Spock rather than Matt Healy, definitely fringe porn
I watch. As Aquarius is the sign of the extraterrestrial and the experimental, water bearers will resonate with the theme of disappointed abduction, “Did you really beam me up / In a cloud of sparkling dust /Just to do experiments on? / Tell me I was the chosen one / Showed me that this world is bigger than us / Then sent me back where I came from.”
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
“Florida!!!”
“Florida!!!” exclamation points and all is pure Pisces. As the sign of idealism, escape and oblivion, fish folk will resonate with a song that celebrates places as drugs, good weather, bad habits, getting drunk in a bathroom during a hurricane, and evading reality, responsibilities, and criminal charges.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, a “girl’s guide” to strip clubs, and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
